Making Money in the Pirate World: A Guidebook (Not Really)
by Nyx Penderghast
Summary: A compilation of stories that contains every scam, con, hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, stratagem and bamboozle that Nyx Penderghast and her crew, the Lunas, have ever used to get money, and basically a guide on how they survived abnormally cracky situations, with your favorite OOC canon characters. Rated T for the pirate's colorful language and mature themes.
1. Intro

Disclaimer: Fanfiction dot com is a website. If you somehow cannot figure out that the following is a piece of fanfiction and that the characters and setting, all but the following OCs, do not belong to rina-dae, please proceed to jump of your boat, because your captain will most likely won't need the likes of you. And, if you're the captain, please take a minute to sit down and think about what you have been doing with your life.

* * *

Welcome to Striking it Rich in the Pirate World!

There are guidebook about everything! From "Surviving the Grandline" to "How Not To Piss Off A Big Shot Pirate", this is a guide book on how to be rich and easily make money in the pirate world

* * *

Hello and welcome to Striking it Rich in the Pirate World! As fellow pirates, we all know how important money is. In this lifetime, money is hard to get by, but we, your saviors, have come up with ways to get you some quick cash!

This guidebook features many big shots of the pirate world, including, Trafalgar Law, Donquixote Doflamingo, Monkey D. Luffy, Boa Hancock and many, many more!

First off, to be rich, you have to create the mindset that you want to be rich. To create the right mindset, please proceed to do the following.

Establish that you are poor; otherwise your motivation to carry out these plans will not be fueled.

Without further ado, let's begin!

* * *

Warning: These plans usually result in disasters, and will most likely not work. We are not responsible for any injuries, or deaths, or lawsuits. This book is merely a way for the Luna Pirates to make money. This book won't actually make you rich, not really, but hell, I'm just a warning, dispute at your own risk. (-Gunstone Klaus of Luna Pirates)

* * *

Before we begin let's introduce our narrators, the Luna Pirates.

Read this quick intro to our guides, the Luna Pirates, before we begin:

* * *

Penderghast Nyx "Shadow-jumper"-

Sex: Female

Race: Human

Position: Captain

Age: Twenty-one

Fighting Ability/Skills: Eater of the Nigen Nigen No Mi (Dimension Fruit) can transport herself or anyone to other dimensions and back, can create voids to transfer her body parts or parts of weapons into other voids to attack foes from behind or all sides and has agile prowess to expertly wield her Double Bladed Scythe (can control her scythe's aim expertly, it is detachable with a long metal cable connecting to a coil, making it have unpredictable landing to enemies). Can endure massive amounts of fatal injuries and battle for long periods of time without showing signs of fatigue.

Appearance: A slim, average height albino girl with violet red eyes and hip length, straight silver hair and pale skin. Her crescent moon tattoo is located above her chest (symbol of Luna Pirates) and she has tribal tattoos travelling up and down her arms, legs and torso. She has two of her cartilages pierced on each ear. She wears a red bandanna around her neck (it's holding back her hair if it's not around her neck) a black cropped tank top with olive green cargo pants with suspenders draped on the side of her pants, and black, fingerless gloves. Her outerwear includes a leather, brown vest and she also wears leather, brown gladiator sandals. Her scythe is strapped to her back and she refers to it as "her baby", although it's name is Calamity.

Random Quirk: Sucks at gambling and betting and is obsessed with strawberry flavored candy. Usually squatting, rarely sits.

Other Info: Nyx's behavior alternates between incredible energy, passive aggressiveness, a trickster personality, and unpredictability, or mixture of all most of the time, which results in her psychotic antics. With her foul-mouthed biting, lively sense of humor and hunger for conflict, she manages to annoy just about everybody around her. Nyx is rarely seen without her scythe and likes to "fuck around with people stupider than her" (according to Kida). Her frequent of-course detours frustrates both allies and enemies. She also has no sense of direction and often asks Hermes for help (although his sense of direction is just as bad). She has no moral restraints when it comes to killing, and will not hesitate to take a life. Nyx craves adventure and conflict, causing her whole crew, including herself, to get into lots of messes. She may lack common sense during most situations. Like, Hermes, she tends to laugh maniacally when attacking.

Bounty: ฿250,000,000

* * *

Hermes "Pale Death"-

Sex: Male

Race: Fallen Angel/Demon

Position: First Mate/Swordsman

Age: Is actually two thousand years old, but appears to be in his late-teen, early-twenty-ish years (nobody knows).

Fighting Ability/Skills: Expert swordsman, wielder of the sword, Hellfire. Fighting style is unpredictable. Insightful and crafty when fighting, noticing flaws in his enemy's attacks. Also immortal so his healing factor is very fast and his strength, speed, and durability is enhanced. His blood can heal a drinker and eventually make the drinker immortal.

Appearance: A tall, lean boy with snow-white, spiky hair and skin. His most notable features are his eyes; the sclera is black, with yellow irises and black pupils. His crescent moon tattoo is on his right hip bone, while both of his earlobes are pierced on his right ear. Hermes is donned in a white cloak that is partially open in the front with black trimmings along the v-shaped neckline (usually tattered or bloodied outfit because of his countless sacrifices), and straw woven sandals and wears a rosary with three circles on the vertexes of a triangle on a chain. His sword, Hellfire, is strapped to his back.

Random Quirk: Very high alcohol tolerance, almost impossible to get drunk. Good singer. Extremely picky about how his hair comes out and will kill anyone who dared to touch it. Hermes also finds it weird to have people style his hair, having a deep dislike for hairdressers.

Other Info: Despite being a "highly religious (fanatic)", Hermes is rude and vulgar, at allies and enemies alike. Hermes thinks money is blasphemy, and will openly ridicule his crew's love for it. Despite this, when the Luna Pirates are all in combat, Hermes and his crew mates get along flawlessly in battle. Hermes has a cocky, relaxed attitude about almost everything and, like his captain, lacks common sense most times. He is impatient and will most likely resort to violence in most cases. He also has a soft spot for kittens/cats. Hermes loves a good fight, not even caring is he is deeply wounded, and will pray to his god for a good one. If the fight turns out to be rather disappointing (weak opponent), Hermes will give a chance for the opponent to withdraw, if he wishes to continue, Hermes will not hesitate to end his opponent.

Bounty: ฿110,000,000

* * *

Greybeck Cloud "Stormbringer"-

Sex: Male

Race: Human (twin brother of Levi Greybeck)

Position: Navigator/Archeologist/Therapist

Age: Seventeen

Fighting Ability/Skills: Eater of the Kuki Kuki No Mi (Air Fruit) can manipulate, control, create and transform into air elements and very agile and full of knowledge involving nature and the environment. Prefers to dodge attacks with airy, fluid motions and tire out the attacker than fight back.

Appearance: A well-built, slim teenage boy with golden eyes and dirty blonde, spiky hair. He has a round face with golden eyes. Cloud's crescent moon tattoo is on his right hand. He wears only gray harem pants (even in the winter).

Random Quirk: Knows how to play the drums. Likes to walk around shirtless and barefoot and is in incestuous relationship with twin brother. Cloud doesn't like little kids.

Other Info: Cloud is the younger twin of the Greybeck brothers. Although he is like his brother in most aspects, impatient and too blunt (to the point where it's rude) foul mouthed, and mischevious, Cloud is the more insightful and calmer of the two brothers, these qualities make him the therapist, although he is still mostly very spiteful and bitchy. Cloud can be kind-hearted, but, he immediately denies it if pointed out.

Bounty: ฿70,000,000

* * *

Greybeck Levi "Daredevil"-

Sex: Male

Race: Human (twin brother of Cloud Greybeck)

Position: Shipwright/Blacksmith

Age: Seventeen

Fighting Ability/Skills: Eater of Tsuchi Tsuchi No Mi (Earth Fruit) can manipulate, control, create and transform into earth elements and skilled builder.

Appearance: Has an oval, angled face with sharp features. Like his twin brother, his eyes are golden. Levi's hair is a long golden blonde and is usually fastened into a ponytail or a braid down his back. Levi is lean and muscular. His most notable feature is his robotic, prosthetic arm. His crescent moon tattoo is on the left side of his hip. He wears a white muscle tee, with goggles around his neck, a baggy black jumpsuit, with the sleeves tied at his waist instead of wearing the upper portion of the jumpsuit and with black sneakers.

Random Quirk: Turns two times more aggressive if you mention that his twin brother, Cloud, is taller than him (even though they are the same height) or better than him in any aspect. Is in incestuous relationship with twin brother

Other Info: Levi is the less tamer twin out of the two brothers, although he is the older one. He has a sarcastic, short-fused, smug, perverted personality, with little to no self control. He is impatient and easily angered, and, like most of his crew members, gets into the kill-anything-that-moves mood. He is intellectual, and like his brother, witty. A confident, but pompous, bad ass. He also likes gay sex. Levi is rarely compassionate, but is capable of it.

Bounty: ฿76,000,000

* * *

Daneryen Rina "Dragon Empress"-

Sex: Female

Race: Human (former princess of Flame Kingdom)

Position: Strategist/Tactician

Age: Nineteen

Fighting Ability/Skills: Eater of the Netsu Netsu No Mi (Heat Fruit) can generate heat into fire or lightning. Cunning, intelligent, manipulative strategist, and skilled in hand to hand combat and acrobatic. Uses people's absolute terror over her to her advantage.

Appearance: Rina has sharp facial feature, with an oval shaped face, a widow's peak and fiery-golden eyes. She has long straight raven-black hair reaching her waist, that is usually fastened into a bun on top of her head with her two, with her chin-length side bangs handing loosely. She has pale skin and red lips with long, sharp fingernails. Rina has a slim figure with a slight muscular build. Her crescent moon tattoo is located on her left bicep. Rina is dressed in a sleevless, and collared navy blue blouse with a bronze breastplate and plackart armour over it and bronze spaulder armor on both sides of her biceps, and bronze tasset armour connected directly below her plackart, straddled on the side of her legs, and white hakama pants underneath with embedded crimson stones on black sandals.

Random Quirk: Has an armor collection. Does not know how to flirt with boys or interact nicely with others without scaring them. Likes to torture Mason Lea's mental state.

Other Info: Rina is a moderately psychotic (like everyone else on the ship) girl with a superiority complex who craves power. She is graceful, intelligent, vain, and scheming. Rina is foul-mouthed, narcissistic perfectionist, who is extremely competitive in sports, and strives to be better than anyone else. Rina has no problem making morbid threat, and carrying them out. Even in life-threatening situations, Rina remains analytical, deadly, and calm. She does not like doing labor for people, as she thinks a princess, like her herself, should not work. Rina expects everything to be perfect, from the plan she is forming to the way her hair is tied up.

Bounty: ฿93,000,000

* * *

Mason Lea "Scissorhands"-

Sex: Female

Race: Human

Position: Extortionist

Age: Nineteen

Fighting Abilities/Skills: Eater of the Ken Ken No Mi (Blade Fruit) can transform any part of her body into a blade of her liking and extend it (preferably her index and middle finger to make scissors) and is highly skilled with extortion and sneaking around without getting caught.

Appearance: Lea is tall with a curvaceous figure and with wavy, dark violet hair just past her hips. Ivory skin with round-shaped face. Her crescent moon tattoo is right over her left breast. Lea is dressed in a black midriff-baring mock turtleneck with leather black gloves and skinny, navy-blue, cargo pants rolled up to her ankles, just above her leather, ankle-length black booties.

Random Quirk: Likes to take pictures of her crewmates sleeping or getting drunk to use as future blackmail. Likes to torture Daneryen Rina's mental state.

Other Info: Lea is a cursing, conceited, and rude miser with a love for learning dirt about other people to use against them. Lea is vicious when it comes to blackmailing, going far as even blackmailing vice-admirals to get what she wants. She has a sharp intellect, and immediately knows when someone used some money from the Luna Pirates' savings or when the crew is getting low on money. Her intellect is almost as great as Daneryen Rina's. She is always butting heads with Rina, both their sly, composed exterior breaking when they are arguing.

Bounty: ฿88,000,000

* * *

Gunstone Klaus "Black Glove"-

Sex: Male

Race: Human

Position: Cook/Bartender

Age: Twenty-three

Fighting Abilities/Skills: Highly skilled in unarmed combat (likes to fight with black knuckle duster gloves) and has unnatural form of human strength (can break knife with teeth or carry a cannon and hurl it at an enemy) and has sharp intellect, with quick reflexes and very high pain tolerance. Capable of superhuman parkour moves from running after those who have angered him. Has a habit of hurling projectiles at Marines, Navy, and others who have pissed him off.

Appearance: Tall, slender man with dirty blonde and side swept hair. Has hazel brown eyes, heart shaped face and a muscular build. His crescent moon tattoo is on is on the top of his left collarbone. Klaus wears an average, black and white bartender suit.

Random Quirk: Dislikes alcoholic drinks, even though he is a bartender, and instead opts to drink dairy products. Is very fond of cats.

Other Info: Violent, no-nonsense tough guy. He is level-headed and non-descript and smoking most of the time. He does not like violence, but will not hesitate to beat those who have angered him to a pulp with his incredible strength. He has the violent tendency to pull out people's hearts if they have truly passed the line and angered him (his crewmates are the only exception to this rule, although he does contemplate pulling out Hermes' heart). Klaus has a habit of insultingly calling people "urchins", "fleas", or "maggots" or other degrading terms.

Bounty: ฿80,000,000

* * *

Sturluson Kida "Deadshot Darlin"-

Sex: Female

Race: Human

Position: Sniper/Guns-woman/Weapons-master

Age: Twenty-one

Fighting Abilities/Skills: Out of the whole crew, Kida fights with the most weapons. Varying from, guns, knives, spears, grenades, and swords. Kida is highly advanced in aiming; she is skilled in throwing knives, arrows, and guns. Handguns are her weapon of choice. Aside from weapons, Kida is proficient in acrobatics, always quick and moving on her feet. Kida can shoot enemies from point blank from a hundred feet away because of her extraordinary vision. Kida has an extensive knowledge on the creators of guns and generally guns themselves.

Appearance: Kida has long cherry-red hair tied into a high ponytail down her back with her bangs loose and parted down the middle. Kida has steely gray eyes and and oval face with a tall, limber figure, although she is slightly muscular. Kida always has hidden weapons all over her body. Her crescent moon tattoo is on her left bicep. Kida is donned in tight, black, collared leather zip-up jumpsuit that she leaves partially open in the front. She also has a black tool belt draped around her waist and wears ankle, length heeled stiletto boots (if Kida taps her boots two times against the floor, knives will pop out of the heels) and leather black gloves. Kida also has two guns, both on the sides of her arms, in the holster on either side of her arms. No skin surfaces of Kida's is exposed, but her face and neck. Her detachable double bladed sword is strapped to her back, on the backside of her waist are two strapped handguns, with multiple throwing knives hidden all over her body (one in each sleeve, her boots, strapped to her outer thigh, etc.).

Random Quirk: Very, very clumsy, cannot wash dishes without breaking them, or cook something without burning it.

Other Info: Kida was trained at young age to be skilled hit woman. The tough battle-hardened, hot headed, sarcastic tomboy is very crazed about weapons, especially guns. Kida is blunt to be rude and very loud. She regularly curses, like her captain, and makes crafty one liners when fighting, along with morbid threats and is very brutal and remorseless in combat. She isn't at all bothered by gore and blood. Kida is very protective over her weapons and treats them with care, and does not like taking all the weapons off her body, as she says it makes her feel "naked". She is mostly seen smoking a cigarette.

Bounty: ฿97,000,000

* * *

Rockbell Aeris "Striking Palms"-

Sex: Female

Race: Human

Position: Doctor

Age: Eighteen

Fighting Abilities/Skills: Extraordinarily agile and fast in battle, can easily evade striking attacks. Best acrobatic out of the whole crew. Very flexible, able to bend, twist and contort herself into nearly impossible positions to any normal human. Impressive freerunning and parkour skills. Has a photographic memory of the human body, inside and out, which results in her ability to use pressure point martial arts. Could strike sequence of pressure points and leave opponents immobilized. Also a very skilled stunt-driver.

Appearance: Heart-shaped face with jade green eyes and medium-length chestnut brown hair, usually tucked into her hat with her side bangs hanging out loosely. Aeris has a slim figure with little curves. Her crescent moon tattoo is located on her back, on the top of her spine. Aeris wears a "News Boy" hat and a loose fitting, knee-length kimono-like tunic, tied at the waist, with loose dark gray pants underneath and black curled toe flats.

Random Quirk: Avid boys-love fan, and subscriber to every yaoi magazine. Has a motorcycle that she regularly talks to.

Other Info: Crewmates would describe her as a "happy-go-lucky idiot" (although Aeris can be cunning when she wants to be). Out of all her crewmates, Aeris is the most enthusiastic. She is also very competitive in racing competitions of any types and will turn very aggressive when driving. Aeris is very nonchalant during most situations and chooses to converse casually with opponents. Aeris is rarely seen without her hat, and is extremely anal about it never getting removed from her head. Aeris is also a cunning and compulsive liar, and uses her intelligence for her trickster purposes. She is also energetic, a bit (a lot) strange (after all she was a former mental patient) and hyper, like "fucking puppies on crack" (according to Hermes). She is skilled in the art of torture, both mentally and physically.

* * *

Bounty: ฿77,000,000

Lockheart Strife "Prowler"-

Sex: Male

Race: Human

Position: Entertainer/Technician

Age: Nineteen

Fighting Abilities/Skills: Eater of the Neko Neko No Mi (Cat Fruit) Can grow a pair of black cat ears, claws, and a long tail with agile prowess and reflexes of a feline, which gives him the ability to rapidly run up buildings and hop from trees, multiply his strength, and run up rooftops silently with relative ease. Can also fully transform into a cat. Due to mischievous, curious nature, Strife has learned the art of a skilled hacker and technician (can disarm Marine's security defenses and hack their main frame) . Also a talented violinist and guitarist.

Appearance: Strife has a sharp angled face with high cheekbones and a pointed chin. He has navy blue, wind swept hair and eyes. He is tall, well-built, with a lean body. His crescent tattoo is on the back of his right shoulder blade. Strife wears a simple white v-neck t-shirt that is layered underneath his crimson red blazer. Stife also wears skinny, olive green pants and simple black sneakers. His outfit is adorned with a black bandanna around his neck and a crescent moon shaped locket (with catnip inside) on a long silver chain.

Random Quirk: Highly sensitive around catnip and likes to sleep on Gunstone Klaus's lap, whether it is in cat form or human form. Sometimes sneaks into Klaus's bed to sleep. Will most likely beat the shit out of someone if they wake him up from his slumber. Shows affection and malice through sharp swipes of his claws.

Other Info: Unlike his crew mates Strife is the least likely to curse, mostly because he is sleeping most of the time. He is known to be quite passive and extremely lazy, trying to avoid most fights because they require too much effort. He likes to nap everywhere on the ship. When he is not sleeping or being lazy, Strife has a more mischievous, cunning side. Strife has a knack to get people to do things for him, he understands how to take control of a situation and charm himself himself out of one. Has a deep passion for music and eating mackerel. He usually comments that most things are "a drag" or "annoying".

Bounty: ฿70,000,000

* * *

The Luna Pirates thrive on drama, money, and adventure and will go to great lengths to create them, even, or perhaps especially, if it means endangering themselves or their crew. In most cases, they will manipulate people into thinking or acting a certain way. They do not follow any moral code, but their abstract own (no matter how twisted some may think they are). All Luna Pirates are foul mouthed, psychotically humorous, sly, ill tempered, blunt, battle-hungry and skilled in the art of pit pocketing. They are inconsiderate bastards who will not hesitate to mentally and physically abuse you. They have a love for money and a habit of screwing up every possible plan no matter how skilled the strategist is or how smart they are. Although they try to kill each other half the time, they are a family, a criminally insane, dysfunctional one, to be exact.


	2. Plan 1: Miss Grandline Beauty Pageant

_A/N: One-shot filled with unadulterated crack, cross dressing, OOC canon characters, and just scenes that constantly raise the question, 'just what the fuck are these pirates doing?' . _

* * *

_Prologue_

_All they ever wanted was a good night's sleep. Just ONE night, where they could all dress up in their comfortable Sea King PJs and sleep through a single night without hearing those shitheads go at it. Every single fucking night, Cloud and Levi Greybeck would screw each other's brains out. It was a nightly ritual. A pretty annoying, gross nightly ritual._

_It started like this, everyone would retreat to their room, and the only thing that could be heard was the crashing of the ocean against Valkyrie._

_Then within the count of 100 Luna Pirates, there would be moans, groans, sighs, and screams and all those gross sounds that nobody honestly wanted to hear, coming from the Greybeck brother's bedroom door._

_It came to the point where Hermes would come out of his room, bloody and swinging his sword around like a mad man._

"_YOU ASSHOLES, SHUT UP" or when Hermes was feeling particularly creative, "I SWEAR TO KAISHIN, I'LL SACRIFICE YOU. I'LL ENJOY RIPPING YOUR TONGUES OUT!"_

_All in all, Hermes would soon be louder than the two brothers, screaming curses, and everyone would come out of their rooms yelling profanities either at Hermes or the Greybecks._

_Lea and Kida would try to get Aeris out of her yaoi-induced stupor._

_Then, Rina would proceed to set Hermes on fire, while Klaus pointed out, "Why don't you go in there and do the same to them?"_

_And Rina would respond with a 'I'm-not-going-in-there' look while saying, "I'm homicidal, not suicidal."_

_Then Strife, who was suffering the most (especially with his sensitive, cat ears) would ask the captain to do something. Nyx would glare at Strife muttering something about "horny assholes" and "feminism" and begin to threaten everyone by sending them to another dimension._

_That usually got everyone to shut up (god bless the captain) but by then it would be 9:30 AM and everyone would be sleep-deprived zombies._

_The next day, after the nightly rituals happened for the fourteenth time that month, the Luna Pirates (excluding Levi) decided to hold a meeting on stopping the grotesque sounds._

* * *

_Miss Grandline Beauty Pageant by the Luna Pirates (excluding Levi). Directions in italics._

_Hello, fuckfaces. This is the second installment to "Striking It Rich In The Pirate World" guidebook. This plan is rather fool proof, so don't screw it up like we did._

* * *

"Wait. Why is_ he_ here?" Hermes hissed, his eyes looked particularly dangerous nowadays because of his dark-circles.

Hermes was referring to none other than, Cloud Greybeck, the moderately tamer one of the two brothers.

Cloud looked just as irritated, "Levi is being an inconsiderate prick. He didn't even let me top, last night! Sometimes when he's feeling creative-"

"OKAY!" Kida yelled, slamming her hands on the table flashing Cloud a 'too-much-information' look, "So what's the plan to stop the noises?"

* * *

_Step One: Enter a Pageant. They always have loads of money as the grand prize, that, or a lifetime supply of coupons to a cosmetics store (which you can sell to a lot of desperate women)._

* * *

Rina's eyes began to glint dangerously, "The Miss Grandline Beauty Pageant."

"Yeah? So? What the fuck does that have to do with anything?" Nyx asked sucking on a strawberry lollipop.

Rina rolled her eyes, "Okay, how would a growing boy react if you forced him to dress drag and participate in a beauty pageant?"

"It would completely bruise his ego! And he'll probably go to sleep every night suffering from war-like flashbacks! He'll be too depressed to bang!" Kida exclaimed, all of a sudden her face turned into an evil smirk while Rina came over to give her a high-five.

"Eh," Lea sniffed, she was never really one to agree with Rina's plans no matter how great they were.

"Oh? And did I mention? The winner gets a priceless tiara and two million beli," Rina smiled slyly.

All of a sudden, Lea's face lit up, "Those who agree with the plan say "I"!"

After a chorus of "I"s, operation "Miss-Levi-of-Grandline" was put into the initiative.

* * *

_Step Two: Pick a contestant to enter (preferably someone who doesn't like that sort of stuff, it will make the whole pageant worth watching, plus, it makes great blackmail material)._

* * *

"What do you guys want?"

Levi stared at his crewmates, he was a bit weary.

They all had a creepy smile on their faces surrounded with a dark purple aura, and their eyes seemed to be glowing an ominous red, all making them seem more insane than usual, besides Aeris. She just happened to be oozing more happiness than usual (which, Levi admitted, was a bit creepy).

"So, you know how there's going to be a Pageant?" Nyx said, silkily.

Levi nodded slowly.

"Well, the grand prize is a priceless tiara worth thousands and a lot of money," Hermes purred, face lighting up evilly.

"So, after much talk, we decided to enter someone!" Cloud laughed sinisterly.

Levi then scrambled towards the door, fumbling with the door knob, until the door opened. Unfortunately, it was slammed shut when Lea's finger extended and slammed it shut.

"Where you going, blondie? We entered you." Klaus walked across the room and stopped right in front of Levi's face, smiling widely (which was very creepy).

"What the fuck?! Are you out of your damned minds!? In case, you haven't noticed, I'm a boy! Why not enter, her, her, her, her or her!" Levi screeched accusingly, pointing at Lea, Rina, Kida, Aeris and Nyx.

"There's an age limit of seventeen," Rina replied coolly (she was lying of course, the pageant was for females of all ages).

Levi stared at Rina dumbly.

"Are you fucking serious? We are damn pirates. We steal, we raid, we cheat, and we murder, but we aren't going to tell a _little white lie_ on a fucking beauty pageant application?" Levi demanded.

"_Please, _those bitches can tell botox injected skin within a glance and I'm guessing how old you are isn't much of a difference, trust me," Lea scoffed.

"No fucking way, I'm not doing this," Levi said stubbornly.

Strife began to sigh. "I mean, I guess I see your point. " Strife began to slyly look over at Rina who raised an eyebrow. After years of working together, Strife recognized this look as the "I-trust-you-have-a-plan" one. Strife continued, "_Cloud_ would look better in a dress, anyways."

Rina then knew of Strife's plan.

Looking cunningly over at Strife, Rina began to talk,

"And there's the talent section, we all know how much Cloud is much more talented and graceful and by far the more taller one out of you two-"

"Fuck you guys!" Levi snapped.

Strife and Rina smirked knowingly at each other.

"When do I start?"

_Bingo._

* * *

_Step Three: Arrive at the pageant in disguises, everything will be so much easier if nobody knows who you are._

* * *

The competition was being held on Amazon Lily, and surprisingly, Boa Hancock had allowed males, multiple perverted, immature (but still hot) men, to enter her island. Rina had filled everyone in on what the judges (Marines, Pirates, Warlords, the whole lot) were looking for. The pageant had four areas. First was the evening gown event, for contestants to be judged on physical beauty and elegance. Second, was the swimsuit competition, evaluating physical fitness, and lifestyle, apparently. Next came the talent section. And, finally, women and girls would answer questions to judged on their personality.

It took three days to sail to Amazon Lily, leaving only several hours to spare.

"Miss. Levirella, and entourage here for the beauty pageant." Rina introduced them to the Amazonians at the gates. She was wearing a black, leather jumpsuit with an earpiece, while carrying a briefcase, all of which made her look more like a spy than Levirella's manager. She began to gesture towards every member of the Luna Pirates.

"Her personal trainer."

Aeris waved enthusiastically at the guards, dropping all the tennis rackets, baseball bat, footballs, and sport equipments she was holding on the floor. She was wearing gym shorts, trainers, sweat bands, and a sports brand muscle-tee, all in an attempt to make her trainer appearance look more authentic.

"Her therapist."

"Hi," Cloud nodded, shifting his clipboard so he could properly wave at the guards.

"Her chef and bartender."

Klaus nodded at the guards in his bartender suit, while smoking a cigarette.

"Her cosmetologist."

Strife was juggling a variety of makeup boxes and pouches in his meterosexual disguise.

"Her hair dresser and florist."

Lea smiled fakely from her position. She was wearing an identical jumpsuit to Rina's while holding a vase of roses in one hand and a threatening pair of black scissors in the other. Around her waist was a bunch of dangerous objects used to curl, straighten, crimp, braid and cut someone if not to actual death, atleast into a state of minimal pain and frankly dreadful hair.

"Her personal stylist."

Nyx seethed silently in her bright, colorful disguise of designer clothing, and sunglasses, and squeezed the skinny caramel macchiato she was holding tighter.

"Her photographer."

"Fucking fab," Hermes growled in his meterosexual disguise of a feathery pink, neon scarf and similar but louder ensemble to Nyx's. He actually pulled off the elaborate gay photographer look, until he talked.

"And of course, her moral supporters."

Strife and Kida nodded at the guards looking deeply unhappy, while wearing bright pink "Miss. Levirella 4 Da Win" merchandise.

* * *

They had arrived just on time for the first event, the evening gown section, and had little time to spare. They had to turn a completely clueless man into the most beautiful, young female that would make even Hancock jealous. All they needed was a stunning dress, sound easy right? Wrong.

"I can't fucking believe this! Out of all the girls on the ship, not a single one of you owns a fucking dress!" Levi said, frustrated.

"But dresses are so hard to move around in, who would go through the torture of even wearing one?" Rina said confused, looking sympathetically over at Levi, who shot her a scowl.

"The witch is right, you can't really sneak around in a dress," Lea shrugged.

"Or move around and do flips!" Aeris pipped up.

As Kida was about to open her mouth, Levi cut her off.

"Yeah, yeah! I fucking get it, too hard to move around in, blah, blah, blah. Now what are we going to do?"

As if on cue, Nyx dashed into the dressing room breathless, carrying a dress.

"Oi, try it on!"

"Did you steal this from another girl?" Levi asked suspiciously, he _so _did not want a random girl walking up to him and bitch slapping him because he wore her dress.

"Eh, who the fuck cares, it was laying on a chair for ten minutes and nobody even claimed it. So, naturally, I took it." Nyx shrugged.

Levi frowned holding up the dress. It was a modest thing. It was strapless in a warm shade of pale pink, and surprisingly long. The dress had belonged to Nefertari Vivi who was now wrapped in a towel rushing everywhere in her room, trying desperately to find her dress.

The dress, surprisingly, did not tear open as Levi forced in his two "Boobie Bags" bust supplements into it. Levi glanced down, and gave a grunt of approval. Not too shabby. He had stolen Rina's Towel Soft Silk Cream Shave and Nyx's scythe (when the razor proved to be pretty useless) to shave his legs. His boob enhancers looked like misplaced buttocks, but then again they can be easily mistaken as a cheap, poorly done boob job. And as for his build, he looked like a teenage girl, one that trained daily for boxing matches. He looked up to see the rest of the Luna Pirate's reactions.

"You look like a little bitch!" Hermes snickered, momentarily forgetting his cover, and then remembering, "I mean, you fucking go sister! Knock 'em dead, girlfriend! Fuck yeah!

"I can't the flea seriously right now," Klaus said shaking his head.

"Eh, at least there's still hair and makeup," Nyx said, and with Levi walking in the lead, toward his doom, the Luna Pirates found the makeup room. There was two things they noticed right away about the room, it smelled of hairspray and floral perfume and... was that alcohol (?) all in all, the room was chaotic.

In front of the first mirror was two girls.

"For the last time, I AM NOT DOING THIS BECAUSE I AM A LESBIAN!" A contestant named Dorit Radtke shouted as her girlfriend, Nemour D. Arlene, held up a Molotov cocktail.

"Your girlfriend has a terrible hairstyle," Aki Chung-Feng, a beautiful, Chinese girl of about sixteen, said, referring to Arlene's boy short, icy-blonde hair. "Hair that short doesn't look good on a woman.

"And a personality that shallow and superficial doesn't look good in front of my girlfriend," Arlene said, hugging Dorit while flipping off Aki in the process.

At the next mirror was an long, orange haired girl squeezing onto the corners of her vanity table, while a raven haired boy with a strawhat tried desperately to zip up her dress.

"Ne, Nami, it's not zipping up," he chirped.

"What are you talking about Luffy? It went up just fine at the boutique," Nami said nervously.

"No it didn't! You said you would lose five pounds by now! Don't you remember?" Luffy laughed good heartedly.

"You know what I'm going to do for the talent section Luffy?" Nami said as if she was discussing the weather, but was apprently squeezing the life out of a lotion bottle. "I'm going to demonstrate_shock therapy-"_

The Luna Pirates hurriedly moved on.

At the next table was a blue haired girl wrapped in a towel, edging away from a raven haired women carrying a dress in one hand and a mace in the other.

"Oh, but Princess Vivi, I _insist_ use this spare dress I have," she said grinning evilly.

"N-no, it's okay, Alvida, I think I'll just sit this one out," Vivi said smiling nervously.

A few feet away, one of the journalists covering the event, Fermin D. Ellis, was talking to somebody on a pay phone.

"...It was either Dorit or Regan, Cabela! Quit bitching about deadlines!" Ellis screamed into the pay phone.

At the next mirror, the girl with a pointed nose and navy blue hair by the name of Porche. Porche was now starting on her makeup. She had somehow, miraculously slip into a tiny, tight-fitting dress that made Hancock's low-cut outfit look like a modest little thing that you could wear to church. On the other side stood a pale-green haired girl holding up a black dress in one hand, and a white dress in the other. She was standing in front a stern looking man in a long white coat, with a piece of toast stuck to the side of his face.

"Well, Vergo," she huffed, "which one should I wear?"

"I think," the man seemed to be giving the choices a lot of thought, scrutinizing the dresses every inch. He had a very serious expression. "the white dress will work best, Monet."

Another few feet away, a blue-haired girl by the name of Greta Chalfant-Richelieu, was beating up her captain, Linus Forsythe.

"For the last time, I am not doing this pageant to cater to your sexual fantasies!" Greta yelled, strangling her captain.

"Oh. So that's why Linus was in the hospital last week," Greta's fellow crew member and beauty pageant contestant, Pomponia, commented.

"Oh, fuck me!" Hermes said sourly as the Lunas finally approached an empty table.

"Those fuckers are entering some chick in a wheelchair.

"They" were the Bonney Pirates and the "chick" in the wheelchair was Jewelry Bonney, herself.

Bonney was growling to herself, muttering something about "rather be eating pizza", while propelling herself through the crowded makeup room, running over potential beauty queens as she went. "Move it, sluts! That's my table your fat asses are parked on!"

Nyx looked at Bonney in awe, "I like her!"

"We can't compete with that! Levi! We are wheeling you in on a dialysis machine!" Rina declared.

"Wait, his prosthetic robot arm." Klaus recalled, as Rina had cornered the terrified Levi into a corner.

"Lost an arm in order to protect a kid!" Rina exclaimed, catching on. "Yes! They'll totally buy it!"

With less than two hours to spare, Lea picked up a curling iron, while her index and middle finger morphed into blades, mimicking scissors.

"Scissorhand" Lea had gone through a lot of blood, sweat, and blackmail to get this particular Devil Fruit. She used her powers to threaten and torture people, and occasionally pick locks and carve through flying bullets.

But now, she was using her powers to style Levi's hair.

Lea had sculpted an elegant hairstyle out of Levi's blonde hair with elaborate curls.

Strife was next. With the sharp observation skills he used to hack into the many systems to spy on Marines and Pirates alike, the same flawless perception served him to mix together an eyeshadow palette color of copper and peach with a nude colored lipstain.

There was only thirty minutes left to prepare.

Nyx had stolen excess jewelry from other contestants and latched them onto Levi. Kida had borrowed some perfume and sprayed Levi with what smelled like pure baby prostitute.

The look was complete, the Lunas stepped back to admire their handiwork. Levi sourly flipped them off as they assessed him. His hair had complimented the sharp angles of his face. Strife's skillful work with makeup had completely transformed Levi into a more feminine version of himself. He still oddly looked like a man, but a more beautiful, young version.

"You look so pretty," Aeris gushed, while Levi shot her a glare.

"If I was really fucking piss drunk...yeah?" Hermes mused tipping his head to the side thoughtfully.

Klaus shook his head, walking away with the corners of his lips twitching.

Rina looked at Levi in anguish. This plan just had to go well, she was Daneryen "Always Has A Perfect Plan" Rina! She would be damned if the plan turned into a complete disaster. The likelihood of Levi winning was ridiculously long, but the tactician has assembled the finest sabotage team around. Already, Lea, the hairdresser slash florist, had sent out dozens of bouquets that would result in deadly rashes for the contestants. Cloud, the therapist, had already destroyed the (already stressed) mentality of two competitors. Klaus, the bartender, had supplied potential beauty queens with an unhealthy amount of alcohol that would make then pass out for the whole night and wake up with a dreadful hangover. And, Hermes has taken at least twenty damaging photos of the contestants that would later be passed out (Discovering that "Why, _hello, _ladies. I'm a totally gay photographer" could get any man access to a number of places that would usually be flat out denied before).

With only twenty more minutes till the first event. Everybody was now ready, smelling like pure strumpet with hair bigger than the Grand Line.

After a short speech, the happy, upbeat tune began to play as the contestants lined up behind the curtained side of the stage.

"Introducing our first contestant!"

"Hi, I'm Cima Vu," A girl with short, purple hair and a black, Gothic dress with lots of silver chains bluntly introduced herself. "I'm eighteen years old. I hate everything."

As Cima walked back to her position, a girl with short, spiky, black hair and an orange, strapless dress walked up to the judges.

"I'm Stella-Rondo," The girl introduced herself. "I'm seventeen years old! I like art, indie music, grunge blogs on Tumblr, tattoos, and my own, naked body, because it's like an art canvas."

One by one the competitor began to file out as they were introduced.

It was finally Levi's turn.

Levi staggered thunderously to the center of the stage, lacking grace, unlike the previous contestants, leaving a trail of stiletto heeled punctured holes into the wooden stage, posessing as much grace and elegance of a drunken pirate who just announced "You, me, out back," to a bar full of Marines. The polite clapping began, and faltered, the audience was unsure what to make of 'Levirella', with her cascading curls, sparkling golden eyes, uneven Boobie Bags, and the poise and posture of a farmer who endured excess labor on a daily basis.

* * *

_Step Four: Make sure the contestant you're entering has a tragic back story and is a liberated young women (basically anything to win over the audience and judges)._

* * *

"Hello. My name is Levirella Greyback," Levirella introduced with a lack of enthusiasm. "I'm seventeen years old. I like robots, doing my hair, and having sex with my therapist."

Everyone in the building grew silent.

"...My parents died a few years ago, so I have a lot of unresolved issues. My therapist says that having sex is therapeutic for me, and that I may be over the trauma of my parents' death in six months."

As the audience uttered forceful "awws" at Levirella's fake story, Nyx rolled her eyes.

"You didn't have to tell them that you were basically fucking your brother in a roundabout way. Someone, fix this."

With the help of Strife, Hermes had invaded the commentary box above the stage.

"And for the last competitor of the- agh!"

The commentary voice had dwindled away, replaced with the scuffling sound of a fight, and then Hermes' voice continued the intros, as Levi began to join the other contestants (but stopped upon hearing Hermes' voice).

"_Miss-_ haha- Levirella is a pirate who travels around the world to, uh, feed the poor, yeah. She just made an outstanding recovery from losing her arm after the dreadful injuries she received for totally fucking up this dude's shit for abusing his kids. When this free spirited and spunky feminist isn't volunteering to nurse the elderly or saving cute little animals like Bambi, Levirella, is an intense architect and is, like, into hair products, makeup, and guys and …. erm, girly shit like that. His- erm, I mean- _her _dream is to help kids suffering from disorders, like she once did after her parent's death."

Levi had nodded threateningly, from his spot on the edge of the stage, at the crowd who appeared to be in more disbelief than before. There was a long moment of silence as Levi walked over to take his place next to Stella-Rondo.

"And next," Hermes continued rather dully, "is that slut from the Foxy Pirates, Mr- oops my bad, _Miss _Porche!'

Porche scoffed loudly as she strutted to the center of the stage with her nose in the air, trying to speak over Hermes's commentary as he continued. "Porche is a 40 year old mother of five, who wants to win the Miss Grandline so she can use the money to complete her nose reduction surgery. Her hobbies include selling her bo-"

With a concluding yell of, "Vote Levirella!", Hermes leaped out of the commentary box, just in time to avoid the clutches of security.

* * *

It actually went pretty well. While some had believed Levi was a bit odd, they still gave him the marks of a 6.5, signifying that he was an _above average_ girl. However the swimsuit competition was something all of the Lunas were not looking forward to (Just think, an over muscled body, a robot arm, _and _uneven boobs? Those were the means of an unattractive girl in the eyes of society)

On the other hand, several people have dropped out because of wardrobe malfunction, leaving less competitors to sabotage. A second lucky chance came around when Kalifa knocked on his door inviting him to a sleepover. As Levi scanned the room around him wildly, thinking of an excuse to decline (He wanted to have sex with Cloud that night dammit!), he caught sight of the mischievous gleam in Rina's eyes.

"Nyx and Klaus created this," Rina had said, passing Levi a vial of what looked like toxic venom.

"Poison?!" Levi had asked, excitedly.

"Worse," Rina revealed. "Its the artificial essence of a triple layered, strawberry flavored wedding cake," Rina paused and dropped her voice to a whisper. "With mint_ gelato ice-cream. _One drop of this is equal to eating over three hundred thousand calories all at once."

In the middle of a game of truth or dare, trying to find out as many scandalous secrets as possible, Levi had accomplished spilling a drop of Nyx and Klaus' potion into Khalifa's drink. Levi has finished his own drink, completely oblivious to some of Fukuro's pills dissolving at the bottom of his drink, and retreated back to his room when no other chances of sabotage showed, sleeping earlier than the rest of the Luna Pirates.

* * *

Levi woke up that night feeling rather strange. Not being able to lucidly describe what he was feeling, Levi was about to doze of again when he saw an enormous bulk hovering over his face. Letting out a strangled cry, Levi threw himself of the bed, only for the enormous bulk to come crashing down with him. He stared at his chubby arms in panic, and struggled to stand on his feet, teetering over to the mirror, and hoping that it was one of those things that would disappear once the lights were on. He flicked the lights on, and let out a shriek.

A few seconds later the door swung open as Hermes ran in, followed by Nyx. They skidded to a halt upon seeing a gruesomely fat Levi waddling towards them, waving its chubby little arms in alarm. A string of profanities began to spew out of Hermes' mouth like a machine gun.

"OH HOLY KAISHIN!"

"ITS GOING TO BLOW!" Hermes and Nyx bellowed at the same time.

Aeris chose that very moment to enter the room. Upon seeing the morbidly obese Levi, she began screaming profusely and running around in circles.

"Quick, kill it before it kills us!" Nyx yelled.

Nyx grabbed a nearby lampshade, while Hermes grabbed a stool and ran towards the waddling Levi with their classic battle-cry of "COME AND HAVE A FUCKIING GO, THEN!" Aeris had stood in a defensive position with a potted plant in hand, preparing to strike like the speed of a cheetah. Kida then arrived at the door at that moment and lunged at Levi with a rifle in hand, snarling at him. Feet frozen, arms dangling uselessly by his side, Levi watched the potted plant, the rifle, and the two lunatics with a lampshade and stool charge at him. He could barely walk in this state, let alone throw a punch. He was fucking doomed.

"It's Levi, morons!" Cloud had suddenly appeared in front of Levi.

"Fucking idiots," a feminine voice drawled.

"Leave it alone you fleas. It's not going to explode," another masculine, annoyed-sounding voice added. Everybody froze in the middle of an attempt to kill Levi and turned around. A tedious looking Klaus leaned against the doorframe, pinching the bridge of his nose, with an annoyed Strife, covering his sensitive cat ears behind him and a pissed off Rina with a sleeping mask in hand following suit. Levi had never been so glad to see the four in his life.

"Then what the fuck-" Kida began.

"Just shut up, urchins. I don't care," Klaus said bluntly, and then trudged back into his room with Strife following, his cat tail swishing back and forth.

* * *

"So, it's a fat pill that makes you gain excess weight, but it's would be incredibly easy to shave of?" Rina asked.

Klaus grunted a "yes".

"Interesting," Rina mused, perhaps she should slip the pill in Lea's coffee. "So all we have to do is get Levi to exercise non stop until the swimsuit section."

After getting no reply, Rina looked down to see Klaus had fallen asleep while cradling Strife's cat form.

A few doors away Aeris and Kida were chasing Levi up and down the stairs in an attempt to make him lose all the extra weight.

* * *

_Step Five: If the pageant has a swimsuit section, you bet your ass, you're going to exercise. Like, it doesn't even matter what swimsuit you wear, just make sure you have the perfect bikini bod._

* * *

After several hours of nonstop exercise, Levi had lost all the extra pounds. And, as they entered the dressing room, they realized how much more chaotic it was compared to yesterday's.

"You slut! You're just saying that your body is like an art canvas as an excuse to cover up how much sex you've had!"

"Speak for yourself! Your entire crew consists of shallow, slutty bitches who don't give a damn about anybody who is considered 'less beautiful' than you!"

The Luna Pirates backed away, as they saw Stella-Rondo slowly pull out a chainsaw and point it at Aki.

"Stella-Rondo, put that away," Said an auburn-haired hipster in a flannel shirt.

"Shut up, Pratt!" Stella-Rondo yelled. "She's messing with us!"

"Miller... How did Stella-Rondo get a chainsaw?" A tall, black-haired boy named Edmund Abingdon asked, not looking up from his iPhone. Miller said nothing as he took the chainsaw away from Stella-Rondo.

"Walk away, Stella-Rondo. I don't feel like dying at the hands of the Capricorns," Miller said.

The Luna Pirates shook their heads in disbelief. _Pageants, ugh._

The last person they saw upon entering was Kalifa, only she was now three hundred pounds over weight.

"What do you mean I can't enter? Just because I suddenly gained more weight? Huh?!" she demanded. "This is harassment!"

A man with a long square nose just shook his head as he motioned her outside. The whole room shook as Kalifa waddled out of the room, everyone could feel the pent up rage with every _boom_. (Even if Kalifa refused to withdraw, all the Lunas knew she was no longer a threat).

A few minutes later, Levi was standing in a room full of changing women. A thought dawned to Levi, he have given no thought to this stage in the last twenty-hours.

He looked around frantically. The rest of the Lunas were no longer there. In fact, there was nobody in the dressing room, but the competitors.

Levi, quickly remembering his phone, whipped it out and texted a "_Get the fuck in here and help me." _A few minutes later, Hermes casually sauntered into the dressing room.

"It's okay ladies, I'm a homo," Hermes reassured as a woman screamed and hastily scrambled to tighten the towel around her. "_Puh-leeze, _sister, I didn't even want to see any of that shit going on under there anyway. Hey, Levirella, hun, take this, and they all told me to tell you so help them, they will stick Nyx's scythe up a place where the sun doesn't shine if you don't pass this round. Anyways, catch you later, sweetness!"

Hermes then attempted a manly sashay out of the room, leaving Levi with a duffel bag. Inside, were the Boobie Bags, two rolls of duct tape, a two piece swimsuit, and nothing else.

* * *

Levi had somehow gotten through the swimsuit stage without his Boobie Bags slipping out of his skimpy bathing suit. However, a contestant by the name of Tashigi had been forced to quit after she teetered across the stage in her three-inch stilettos, and proceeded to fall flat on her face.

The Lunas were now more determined than ever to get through the next section- the talent section.

Levi didn't see any problem of course. "Dancing, of course. I use to be a stripper to raise money for Cloud and I," Levi reminisced. "Ah, yes, the good 'ole burlesque days."

"No," Rina bluntly denied. "Can you sing?"

Levi regarded Rina in disgust, only to find Nyx pointing her scythe at Gray's chin, "That wasn't a suggestion, princess."

Levi then attempted to sing an acoustic version of "Bink's Sake." It was so off-key that Strife had to leave the room. He then attempted to draw, paint, and sculpt, whatever he created somehow caught on fire. Hermes claimed it was a sign from Kaishin. In the middle of attempting his third instrument, the violin, three glass cups, and a window shattered.

Levi had had enough.

"You know what?!" he demanded. " I'm going to go out there and fucking dance! I'm going to show off my amazing burlesque skills and even the straight girls will be impressed and turn gay for Levirella and no one could tell me otherwise! So fuck you guys!"

Levi proceeded to thunder across the room to down a bottle of sake.

* * *

_Step Six: Come to acceptance with your contestant's talent (whether it may be stripping or impressions)._

* * *

A few hours later, the Luna Pirates was in the audience and watching the talent portion.

"I guess I can do impressions. This one is Monkey D. Dragon, leader of the Revolutionary Army," Cima said before she cleared her throat. "Hi, my name is Monkey D. Dragon. I lead the Revolutionary Army, and I like Annalease more than Cima. Now I'm going to go watch Judge Joe Brown for four hours and eat some loose fudge."

The crowd clapped as Cima finished her impressions, until Levi entered the stage.

The audience sweatdropped as Levi, dressed in a revealing costume, took center.

"Hit it!" Levi yelled. Then, sexy porn music from the seventies began to play as Levi danced very suggestively. All of the Lunas but Cloud sweatdropped.

"We've been had," Lea whispered to Nyx. Nyx just shrugged as she put a strawberry Pocky stick into her mouth.

"To hell with it. At least we tried," Nyx said apathetically. As Levi finished his sexy dancing, the audience gave Levi a standing ovation for his Olympic-grade performance (seriously, if dancing was an Olympic sport, Levi would go home with a gold medal) completely making up for his rather low scores during the swimsuit round.

"Well... At least he didn't strip," Klaus said.

The rest of the talent portion went by fairly quick.

Nami had gotten disqualified for electrocuting some of the audience (accidently of course). Aki did an amazing tutorial about transformations through make up. Alvida had performed self-defense on her partner, Buggy the Clown. Who spoiled it by crawling into a fetal position every time Alvida was going to strike. Another contestant, Perona had sung a sorrowful, melancholy piece from a funeral dirge, although it was particularly dreary, and creepy, the audience still clapped because of her enchanting singing. Porche had put up some fairly tough competition with her pole dancing (fortunately, she broke her leg after she attempted a flip on the pole). Monet, was going to perform a traditional "Snow Dance", that is, until Bonney brutally ran over Monet's foot with her wheelchair about five times 'accidently', effectively breaking all the bones in Monet's foot, leaving her unable to dance. As for Bonney, she had scored pretty high with her violin solo, playing a sad, mournful piece of music that had half the audience bawling their eyes out for the poor crippled girl, completely forgetting, that the same crippled girl, had just minutes ago, viciously ran over another girl's foot with her wheelchair. And a still morbidly obese Kalifa sat grumpily in the audience watching the show with a murderous expression.

* * *

That night, the Luna Pirates gathered in Levi's room. He was surrounded by bouquets of flowers and sexy costumes given to him by many males and some girls, but mostly males.

"Now to rehearse questions," Cloud stated, shuffling through index cards. "Levi, describe your dream date."

"Is a date one of those things you have to go to if someone likes you?" Levi asked. After seeing several unsure nods of heads, Levi continued.

"Sex," he replied, with a roll of his eyes like it was the most obvious thing, while high fiving his brother.

"I think a date has to do with driving into the sun or something," Klaus replied. Like the rest of his crewmembers, he had no clue on what was accepted as a normal and healthy relationship with people.

"No, Levi, dates are romantic," Aeris threw in, smiling dreamily. "Like, star gazing, beach dates, and scented candles.

"Wait," Rina said, facing Aeris, "Aeris, what's _your_ idea of a first date?"

Aeris looked please. "Well, we would go for a stroll in the park enjoying the view, and sharing an ice cream, and then maybe giving some to the birds, if they like ice cream too. See a movie in the theaters. And then go biking at the beach and then watching the sunset together, while cuddling, and then he'd cook dinner for me while-"

"This shit is _gold_!" Kida cackled while scribbling away on a notebook.

"And what about world peace?" Hermes asked.

"Everyone will watch silly comedy movies together and sing songs about happiness!" Aeris gushed.

* * *

It was the day of the Q&A panel as well as the last day of the pageant. Everyone was on more edge than usual. Many contestants had either been disqualified, or sitting out, suffering from the sabotage of other jealous contestants.

But there was Bonney. She has simply disappeared during the last stage. This was, for once, nothing to do with sabotage from the Luna Pirates. Their money was on the mysterious, white-coat wearing man, who turned out to be Monet's crew mate. No one seriously suspected him, as he didn't leave the dressing rooms with a corpse in tow. But Strife could have sworn he saw Vergo whisper something to the biggest and most _grouchy_ looking trunk as it seemed to be rattling around.

The Q&A was now a three way standoff between the remaining contestants.

* * *

_Step Seven: During the Q&A round, answer the questions as a ten year old girl would._

* * *

"Levirella, what would you say is your favorite animal?"

Levi scanned the audience, and his eyes landed on Aeris who was making various motions with her hands above her head. "Puppies, bunnies, and kittens," Levi said monotonously.

"Perona, same question to you!"

"Baby vampire bats!"

"And, Aki? "

"Fluffy little ducklings!" Aki squealed. Levi narrowed his eyes. The bitch was good.

"And what do you talk about with your friends, Perona?"

"Oh! I don't have any friends! I just talk to my stuffed animals!"

"What about you, Aki?"

"Makeup products and new books!"

"Levirella?"

"Boys and ice cream flavors," Levi growled, he looked like he would run someone over if they dare contradict this.

"What do you like to do on your spare time, Aki?"

"Play with makeup and rescue helpless animals," Aki's cheerfulness had left her voice, she was dead serious about beating Levi now (who proved to be a more worthy opponent then Perona).

"And you, Levirella?"

"Volunteer to feed orphanages," Levi countered triumphantly. _Hah, beat that._

"You lying little slu-," Aki began.

"Ladies, please! Perona, you're next."

"Um, probably sewing stuffed animals back to together after I rearrange their body parts."

"Alright ladies! Last question!"

"Perona, if you had one wish what would it be?"

Perona gasped, "I want Zoro to work for me again!"

"Fuck no you crazy bitch!" a deep voice bellowed from the audience.

"What about you, Levirella?"

"A fucking pet unicorn," Levi said coolly.

"Aki?"

"World peace." Aki smirked victoriously at a glowering Levi.

The questions seemed to go on and on. Perona replied to the questions with creepy answers, and Levi seemed to freak out and answer "blood" when asked what his favorite makeup product was. Aki, however, was doing rather fine, until, it was asked what her view on politics was, as she was unable to bluff an answer. (This was an easy question for any Luna Pirates as they participated in all political affairs to earn money). And then it was over. The judges were whispering among themselves. Rina, Strife, and Lea looked like they would suffer consecutive heart attacks if Aki won.

* * *

_Step Eight: Be prepare to either win or lose, there is no in between._

* * *

"And, your winner of the Miss Grand Line Beauty Pageant is..."

"_I will cut a bitch if Aki wins and Levirella loses,_" Lea thought to herself.

"Miss. Levirella!"

"What the fuck?" Aki demanded dubiously as her and Perona were given a runner up sashes and flowers, while Isabella, a random contestant, shouldered past Aki.

"Yo! Yo, Levirella!"

Isabella walked onto the stage, carrying a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. Unlike the girls on stage, Isabella wore jeans and a T-shirt with Kanye West on it.

"Hey, I'm really happy for you," Isabella said, grabbing the microphone from the judges. "I'mma let you finish, BUT BEYONCE HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME!"

With a shrug, Isabella dropped the mic and walked away. Everyone grew silent.

But the silence had soon dispersed when happy, uplifting music began to play and fill the whole room, rapidly drowned out by Levi's favorite sound after his brother's moans from sex. It was the sound of _applause. _Pink confetti and flowers began to fall. Dancing prettily in the spotlight that hung over Levi. He gasped theatrically and then not-so-theatrically as Aki almost broke his back with her congratulations hug, whispering a death threat through her perfectly red painted lips. But, he could care less at the moment, he was feeling great, because he was just given a sash to tell the whole world that _he_ was positively the most beautiful and talented and charismatic young girl in the Miss Grandline Beauty Pageant. An armful of flowers, and the most beloved little crown profusely decorated with sparkling jewels was delivered onto his head, as competitors glowered jealously from the audience. A judge came over to give Levi a-.

* * *

_Step Nine: If you won proceed by rubbing it in everyone's faces._

* * *

Lea suddenly popped out of no where, her dark violet eyes misting with happy tears as she swiped the check from the judge. Her joyful face began to twist into a maniacal leer as she held onto the check like a life line. "I'm rich, bitches! Fuck yes!"

That one minute had been the most happiest sixty seconds in Lea's life. She was already making plans about buying a mansion once she retired from the pirate life and spending the rest of her life swimming around in a pile of money…. and then her thoughts were rudely interrupted as there was a sharp gasp from the audience. A joyful Levi had just tore his Boobie Bags out of his dress, ripping his dress along the way, and tossed them into the air with a shout of joy. The silicone bags landed on the floor with a soft _blip_ that would forever be the sound of Lea's peace crumbling down before her.

"You're not a girl!" a female judge hissed.

"I totally called that!" a male voice called out from the audience.

"Yeah! You could totally tell too. Like, who has boobs that crooked?" another voice from the audience pipped up.

"Hey! Fuck you! Try squeezing into a dress with those damned things on!" Levi shouted back.

As Lea was about to flee the scene with her money, she suddenly remembered something, sharply turning around and staring stonily and obsessively at the object of her affection. The tiara. "That's _mine_, sluts. _Back off_," she hissed while wielding a curling iron from her belt threateningly.

That cued the part where Levi dropped the crown, and dashed off the stage. He wasn't about to get caught in the middle of a girl fight. Girls were _vicious _when fighting.

Apparently Lea wasn't the only one after the priceless crown, as at least half of the other contestants glared at each other competitively, wearing their tight-fitting dresses, stilettos and looks that could kill with their hidden weapons now sheathed emerged from the crowd. Screaming, shoving, and slapping, the girls jumped on the crown all at once. After a brief struggle, Aki and Lea had emerged from the pile of girls without a single scratch, both holding the crown.

From a few feet away the Luna and Capricorn pirates just watched the two arguing females from their crew, not making an attempt to stop them.

"We should probably stop them before they fucking kill each other," Nyx announced, munching on a strawberry candy stick, but she took no initiative to move.

"Nah, just leave them," the tomboy captain of the Capricorn Pirates, Yuki-Rin replied.

"This is _mine_. I was suppose to win!" Aki growled yanking the tiara towards her direction.

"Well you didn't. My friend won, so it's technically _mine." _Lea sneered tugging the tiara in her direction.

"You don't deserve it, especially wearing such an un-cute jumpsuit," Aki retorted.

"With such a superficial personality, you don't either," Lea snapped back.

Security then began to tiptoe around in distress, unwilling to touch the two seething girls.

After a game of Tug Of War with the tiara, it had flung out of both Lea and Aki's grasps and flew across the audience, glittering in the spotlight, bouncing on the carpeted floor and rolling to a stop once outside. There was a moment of silence as a seagull swooped towards the gleaming crown, picked it up with it's beak, and flew away.

What happened next was such a blur that the Lunas barely remembered anything.

Out of no where, a voice shouted venomously, "Hey! I know them! They are the Luna Pirates! This wouldn't have happened if they never entered!" And this signaled the furious contestants' descendance upon the Luna Pirates.

The Lunas then swore on their jolly roger that if they ever find out whose shrilly, annoying voice that belonged to, they would string that person up by their ears.

As the Lunas began to back away, only to find the exit was blocked by Mega-Kalifa, who was glaring murderously at them.

* * *

_Step Ten: If a certain moron someone screws up, be prepared to either fight or escape; angry mob of girls are not something you want to cross, seriously._

* * *

Monet and Porche were already armed with their crutches. The usually timid, gentle Nefertari Vivi, was holding, what looked like some rusted needles (she had just taken it of a wobbling chair, but the Lunas didn't know that). And Alvida looked about ready to savagely crush Levi with the closest blunt object. (Buggy had cautiously crept into a safe corner upon seeing this). Aki was wearing a murderous expression while Stella-Rondo picked up the nearest chair, wielding it like a sword. Nami and Perona had both summoned their lightning and ghost powers, ready to strike.

Finally finding the right time for it, the surrounded Luna Pirates began bringing out their weapon of choice. Nyx whipped out her scythe protruding from her back and swung it back and forth toward the progressing girls. Lea wielded her sharpest hairdressing scissors. Aeris raised her tennis racket in one hand and a baseball bat in the other.

Levi looked from girl to girl. He's dealt with Sea Kings, other pirates, and, hell, even some admirals before, but dealing with hysterical, lunatic girls? Count him out.

"Oi, fuckers, got a plan?" Hermes yelled over his shoulder, they were now huddled in a circle in the middle of the room surrounded by angry women who were too close for comfort.

"Yeah, why don't we join them in tearing the flea limb from limb, for getting caught _after_ the competition?!" Klaus glowered at Levi, who responded with a glare just as harsh.

"We'll do that when we get back to Valkyrie," Rina assured with vindictive look. "But right now we need to get an open clearing so Nyx can open a portal."

"So a distraction?" Strife asked.

Rina nodded.

"Sure I can do that," Lea said casually, and with a deep breath, Lea began to scream, "FUCKING HELL! I THINK THE BIRD DROPPED THE TIARA OUTSIDE!"

At once the crowd of girls dispersed running towards the exit, trying to grab for the tiara.

Not sparing another second, Nyx had opened a portal and disappeared with her crew mates before the mob realized Lea was lying.

* * *

_Epilogue_

After being forced to dress drag in a beauty pageant, beaten up by several girls, and then mentally and verbally abused by his crewmates, and feeling like his masculinity has been attacked, Levi's sex drive had increased and every night he and his brother went at it, noisier and harder (?) than before as the ship seemed to vibrate thunderously (_Cloud got to top in case you were wondering_) for fourteen nights straight.

"It didn't work," Rina said tonelessly, she was so depressed to the point where she could not convey any emotions to express her disappointment.

"It didn't completely bruise his ego, well actually it did, but he didn't go to sleep every night suffering from war-like flashbacks! YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THE SON OF A BITCH WAS TOO BUSY FUCKING HIS BROTHER!" Kida screamed in outrage.

Nyx and Strife has slumped against a wall and slid down in despair, their faces were hollowed out because of the dark circles highlighting their eyes. Hermes was on the floor curled in a fetal position, covering his ears and muttering prayers to his god. Klaus had stormed outside and taken out his anger on ships passing by hurling projectiles at them.

All of their efforts had come to nothing.

The only person who seemed to be happy despite the situation was Lea and Aeris.

"Who cares?! I'm _rich_!" the extortionist cackled happily, skipping around the ship.

Aeris was down the hall trying to peek at the brothers and trying in vain to record them so another piece would be added to her yaoi collection.

The Luna Pirates then dubbed those torturous two weeks of no sleep as "Hell Week".

* * *

The End


	3. Plan 2: World Rancor Newspapaper

How to Deal With Annoying Journalists and Try to Get Paid For It, With Special Guests Richardson D. Cabela, Raymond Anjou, and Aoba Hotate

* * *

**A/N: (**_**written by the wonderfully talented, Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin. I should apologize for the amount of crack written, but frankly, I'm not sorry.)**_

* * *

_Step One: Do Something That Would Attract Attention to News Crews_

* * *

"Kaishin damnit, Nyx! I was about to sacrifice two virgins!"

Currently, the Luna Pirates were standing in front of a local casino, which was now on fire.

"I didn't win any fucking money, and when I lose, I get furious!" Nyx shouted back.

"Setting a casino on fire does not justify this! You are so inconsiderate! Now I have to fast for three days and sacrifice twice as many virgins for two weeks!" Hermes yelled.

Nyx just shrugged, popping a strawberry fruit chew into her mouth.

"At least I didn't get arrested for this, unlike what happened when somebody got drunk last week," Nyx snorted.

"Did somebody reference last week's news?!"

Three people approached the Luna Pirates, carrying cameras and notebooks.

"Who the fuck are you?!" Hermes demanded.

"I'm Richardson D. Cabela, and we're with The World Rancor newspaper of the East Blue!" The female journalist with long, blonde hair in a high ponytail answered.

"I'm Aoba Hotate, and I write an opinion column titled 'I'm Sexy and I Know Why it Got me a Steady Prostitution Job for Five Years That Violated Several Labor Laws and Human Rights Codes'," The handsome journalist with black, spiky hair standing to Cabela's left introduced himself.

"I'm Raymond Anjou. I'm an intern," The glasses-wearing journalist standing on the other side of Cabela introduced himself.

* * *

_Step Two: Wonder Who These People Are, What They Want, and if They Want You to Accept Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ_

* * *

"Are you a cop? If you are, you bitches have to tell me," Nyx demanded.

"We're journalists. Did you not hear us the first time?" Aoba asked.

"No, I don't want to accept your religion into my life," Kida said in a practiced, monotone voice.

"We're not religious, ma'am," Cabela answered calmly. Everyone grew silent.

"No, I don't want to donate to your fund that helps sick orphans and homeless puppies," Levi stated bluntly, which led Raymond to punch Levi in the face.

"English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?!" Raymond yelled. "For the last time, we're journalists! We write newspapers and sell them!"

The Luna Pirates blinked.

"Bitches be crazy..." Nyx said to herself, chewing on more strawberry fruit chews.

* * *

_Step Three: Answer All Questions These Nice Journalists Have as Truthfully as Possible_

* * *

"We're here to investigate the fire that occurred at the Gol D. Roger Resort and Casino of Lougetown," Cabela explained to the group.

"I don't speak English," Lea said with a lack of enthusiasm.

"You just spoke English," Raymond pointed out. Lea then bitch-slapped Raymond.

"iNo hablo Ingles, puta!" Lea yelled in Spanish.

"Since when did Lea speak Spanish?" Kida asked.

"Since she started her job as an assasin/spy, which was forever," Klaus informed blandly before he turned to Raymond who seemed to edge away from the tall man with the edgy aura. "Lea just told you 'I don't speak English, bitch' in Spanish."

"These people are on drugs..." Raymond said to himself.

"Anyway, where were you the moment the fire broke out?" Aoba asked the Luna Pirates.

"Brother and I were in a bedroom fucking each other," Cloud answered bluntly.

"Did I hear that right? You were having sex with your brother at the time of the incident?" Aoba asked Cloud and Levi, who then started to passionately make-out.

"Oi, hot guy, when do we get paid for this?!" Nyx yelled.

"You don't get paid for this. You don't even work for The World Rancor," Aoba pointed out.

"I should get paid for this! You fuckers are interviewing me for your newspaper, therefore, I should get paid for it!" Nyx yelled. Aoba turned to his co-workers.

"These are the stupidest people we have ever interviewed," Aoba whispered to Cabela and Raymond.

"What about Napoleon, Dorit, and Ellis? Where are they?" Raymond asked his colleagues.

"Who are they? Your lawyers?" Rina asked, a princess like her should get some lawyers to work for her.

"If they are, then we're ready to sue you guys for everything you've got!" Nyx yelled.

"They aren't out lawyers, dumbass! They're our co-workers!" Aoba yelled.

"But, Liang, Radtke, and Fermin sounds like the perfect name for a law firm," Raymond added.

"You're not helping, intern," Aoba said bluntly.

"Go to Hell, man-whore," Raymond retorted.

* * *

_Step Four: Get the Fuck Away From These People_

* * *

"We actually have to go," Nyx said suddenly, very nervous.

"You can't go. This is an investigation," Cabela stated.

"Who died and made you fucking the police?!" Lea yelled.

"Two Marines who died of smoke inhalation," Cabela answered. The Luna Pirates grew silent.

"Yeah, actually, we have to go. I have to go see a man about a cat," Nyx said before she ran off, the Lunas following suit. Aoba, Cabela, and Raymond sweatdropped.

"Yep. They burned the casino down," Aoba said to himself.

* * *

_Step Five: Choose Your Next Venture in Making Money_

* * *

Back on the Valkyrie, the Luna Pirates were drafting their next plans to make some money.

"Hey, I got an idea - How about if we did porn?" Levi asked, while Rina rolled her eyes dramatically.

"How about I throw you and your incestuous brother out?" Lea shot back.

"I call being director!" Aeris hollered.

"Let's get naked," Cloud suggested.

"Cloud, sweetie, we only agreed to do that if we were selling real estate," Levi said.

"Hey, I've got an idea!" Nyx said. "My old friends, Yukari and Kazura, are going to be in town with their crew next week!"

"And?" Klaus asked.

"They're all hipsters! They must have some crazy shit on their ship that we can steal, like record players and old books!" Nyx exclaimed.

"I may hate hipsters with a passion, but stealing from them is a great idea," Levi gasped. "Where's the nearest pawn shop?"

* * *

The End


	4. Plan 3: Scamming Hipsters

How to Scam a Bunch of Hipsters

* * *

** (A/N: With Special Guests Yukari Miyafuji, Kazura Miyafuji, Hunter Day, Stella-Rondo, Edmund Abingdon, Rhett Abingdon, Amelia Abingdon, Bridey Abingdon, Locke Sarutobi, Aurelia Sarutobi, Aleksandar Sarutobi, Mason Sarutobi, Pearl Chung-Feng (neé Sarutobi), Lien Sarutobi, Fernando Aguilar, Miller Pratt, Jin-Mao Xiang, Daiyu Lung, Alto Jarvis, Daruma Hideyoshi, Marlene Grey, Alton Cheung, Opal Rinaldi, Nigel Crawley, and Kipton Lim, a.k.a., the Libra Pirates- _written by the wonderfully talented, __Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin. I should apologize for the amount of OOC crack written, but frankly, I'm not sorry__.)_**

* * *

_Step One: Get Invited to the Hipster Thing_

* * *

"Hey, we got invited to a dinner party by the Libras," Nyx said, waving a dinner party invitation into the air.

"You mean those hipsters?" Cloud asked. "Fuck them. The Capricorns are better."

"The Capricorns are assholes who can go to Hell!" Nyx yelled.

"I don't understand what your problem is," Levi pointed out. "I slept with Soren from the Capricorns once."

"Please go outside," Nyx requested.

"What?" Levi asked.

"Go outside, you incest-loving, gay sex-having, lover of incestuous gay sex!" Nyx demanded.

"Fine!" Levi and Cloud said, refusing to talk about how Levi didn't actually have sex with Soren, who was one of the Capricorns, but slept in his bed after randomly passing out during one of the Capricorns' fancy parties.

"So, we're going to a dinner party?" Klaus asked.

"It's in honor of Kipton's birthday," Nyx said, reading from the invite.

"Which one's Kipton again?" Hermes asked.

"The British one," Nyx answered.

"Which British one? There are, like, two British people on the same crew," Hermes asked.

"The one named Kipton Lim, you uncultured swine," Nyx bit back sarcastically.

* * *

_Step Two: Pop Some Tags Because You've Got Twenty Dollars in Your Pocket_

* * *

An hour later, the gang entered a thrift shop.

"So, what do we get? Is this a formal event?" Lea asked.

"The dress code said 'Hipster attire only. All persons in formal and/or designer wear will be booted from the premises'," Nyx said, reading from the invite.

"Count me out," Levi and Cloud said at the same time.

"You're going to Kipton's birthday party, dinner party, whatever party it is. Kipton is a nice guy, and we deserve to give him a wonderful birthday," Klaus huffed.

"Nice guy? Isn't that code name for 'sexist bastard in a fedora who may or may not like cartoon ponies'?" Cloud asked. In response, Lea kicked Cloud in the crotch.

"You are a code name for 'insensitive bastard who may or may not like his brother romantically'," Lea retorted.

"Wow, Cloud, for a therapist, you really are an insensitive bastard," Rina criticized, looking at a T-shirt that said "Anyway, here's Wonderwall" on it.

"So, tell me about Kipton. He really does sound like a nice guy," Aeris requested.

"Well, he's nineteen, British, and openly gay. He has a boyfriend, and his name is Nigel," Rina explained. Aeris squealed in response.

"Can I draw Nigel and Kipton their very own doujinshi?! We can make money that way and not have to scam an entire crew!" Aeris asked.

"That's definitely a 'no'. They would frown upon that," Strife explained, trying on an ugly, Christmas sweater.

"Plus, the Libras aren't fans of having sex," Lea added.

"I like sex," Levi said.

"Shut up, Levi," Lea said. Everyone grew silent as they browsed the aisles of the thrift shop.

"I support Kipton and his sexuality," Aeris said.

"We all do, Aeris. You support it because it's two boys in love," Nyx sighed sardonically.

* * *

_Step Three: Find a Dish to Bring to the Party_

* * *

After shopping at the thrift shop and changing into their new, hipster clothing, the Luna Pirates stopped at a supermarket to find a dish to take to the dinner party.

"I found a dish," Kida said, lifting up a plate. Her crew then let out forced laughter at Kida's horrible pun.

"Yeah, very funny. Put it back, Kida," Lea snorted. With a frown, Kida put the dish back.

"So, what are we supposed to bring?" Hermes wondered.

"What do hipsters eat? Or, do they think eating is too mainstream?" Strife asked everyone.

"They're probably on some vegan diet and don't drink booze," Levi said. "Just get them a shit ton of quinoa."

"We aren't getting them quinoa. Don't shame vegans, Levi," Lea said in all seriousness.

"Let's just screw it and get them a cake. We have the pizza man on speed dial, anyway," Nyx said.

"Yeah, sure, why the hell not?" Hermes asked. "All in favor of -"

"Aye!"

And so, the Luna Pirates bought a chocolate cake with vanilla frosting. No, it wasn't vegan.

* * *

_Step Four: Arrive at the Hipster Thing_

* * *

Later that evening, the Luna Pirates arrived at the Coachella, the ship of the Libra Pirates. The Straw Hats, Law, Bonney, and Sabo were also in attendance.

"What's up, sluts?!" Kida yelled as they entered the Coachella. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"Ignore her. She has the 'I'll Die if I Don't Walk Into an Event Fifteen Minutes Late With Starbucks' disease," Nyx said in a deadpan tone.

"It's alright. I understand," Usopp said.

"Starbucks doesn't exist in this universe," Nami pointed out. Kida threw her hands up in defeat, dropping her Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks in the process.

"A million motherfuckers can't tell me nothing!" Kida shouted. The Libras sweatdropped.

"Anyway, happy birthday, Kipton. It's your big day, so you deserve an awesome party," Nyx said.

"My birthday was on the eighth. You're about three weeks too late," Kipton pointed out.

"Three weeks?!" The Luna Pirates cried.

"Why the fuck did you wait this long to celebrate your birthday?!" Hermes cried.

"It's a long, bloody story," Nigel answered.

"Ooh! Who did you murder?!" Nyx asked. Nigel and Kipton facepalmed.

"Bloody hell, Nyx, I'm British! We use the word 'bloody' all the bloody time!" Nigel yelled.

"Anyway, what happened? Why are we celebrating Kipton's birthday three weeks after his actual birthday?" Strife - the only sane Luna at the moment - asked.

"The Capricorns put a gag order on all celebrations for Kipton's birthday. That meant that if we celebrated Kipton's birthday on his actual birthday, we would all be arrested," Nigel explained.

"Nigel, next time, DON'T BE A BLOODY WET BLANKET!" Nyx yelled, imitating Nigel's British accent. "I'd rather get arrested for throwing a party than wait three weeks to throw a party!"

* * *

_Step Five: Mingle With Everyone and Hide Your True Intentions_

* * *

Twenty minutes later, the party was in full swing.

"...And then, we bitch-slapped Doflamingo and ran off into the sunset with his entire plastic surgery fund!" Rina yelled, finishing up an interesting story. The Libras laughed an uncomfortable laugh.

"Why did you need Fake Robin and a cucumber?" Jin-Mao asked. Rina's expression then darkened.

"You'll understand when you're older," Rina sniffed, as if repressing horrible memories.

"I think I already understand. I watch anime, Rina," Jin-Mao retorted.

"Welcome to my world, Jin-Mao!" Nyx yelled back.

"So, have you guys heard any good songs lately?" Miller asked in an attempt to stop an argument.

"Yeah, I heard a good song. By the singer Kaito. It's called I Wish They'd All Just Die," Lea answered.

"We actually went to the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival," Kazura explained with a strained smile. "We even adopted a pet there."

"A pet?! I want to see him!" Nyx yelled.

"It's a her. Her name is Summer," Kazura corrected. "Hunter, bring Summer out."

With a nod, Hunter left the room.

"So, who did you see at the festival?" Hermes asked, sipping the glass of craft beer he was given.

"The Strokes, Arctic Monkeys, Vampire Weekend, Franz Ferdinand, Haim, MGMT, The Libertines, The Decemberists, and several other bands," Yukari explained.

"Never heard of any of them," Cloud said bluntly. "I don't listen to hipster crap. My favorite artist right now is Iggy Azalea. I'm so fancy!"

"That song is literally one of the worst songs ever conceived," Kazura said.

"Everybody, this is Summer! We adopted her at the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival! Isn't she precious?!"

As soon as she saw the Libras' pet, Nyx gasped.

"N-No way!" Nyx gasped in astonishment.

* * *

_Step Six: Acknowledge That Your Plan Will be Enacted Earlier Than Expected Because of Someone's Pet_

* * *

Everyone in the room then crowded around Summer, who was a goat.

"Nyx, look! It's a goat! Can we keep her?!" Rina yelled. As everyone crowded closer to the goat, Nyx reached into Law's pocket, grabbed his wallet, and put it in her pocket. Fortunately, Law didn't notice this.

As Nyx began to reach into Sanji's pocket for his wallet, somebody entered the room.

"Oi, hipsters! I thought we told you not to throw this party!"

* * *

_Step Seven: Abort Mission Because the Capricorn Pirates Just Fucked Everything Up_

* * *

Everyone turned their heads, and they saw the formally-dressed Capricorns.

"What the fuck is this?! Que es esto?!" Fernando yelled.

"I hope Heathcliffe-sempai notices me," Levi thought to himself, thinking of all of the X-rated things he wanted to do with Heathcliffe.

"For the last time, THE GOAT IS OURS!" Hunter yelled. "If you take Summer away, I will kill you!"

"We're not going to kill you," Heathcliffe said. "We're just going to sell all the hipsters into brothels and have them see how we feel."

Lien then walked over to his father and bitch-slapped him.

"Prostitution is too mainstream! I prefer press gangs!" Lien yelled.

"What are press gangs?" Nyx asked. Edmund said nothing as he grabbed Nyx by the collar.

"A press gang is where a group of people force others to join their club," Edmund said through gritted teeth before he ran off with Nyx. The Libras and Lunas followed suit, leaving the Straw Hats, Law, Bonney, and Sabo alone to deal with the Capricorns.

"What's up, sluts?! Guess who just got out of prison?!"

Doflamingo then entered the room, a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks in his hands.

"Sluts?" Yuki-Rin asked.

"Prison?" Law asked back.

"Yep. Doflamingo's back, Jack."

* * *

The End


	5. Special: Halloween Edition

_A/N: Enjoy a late Halloween fic with the Luna Pirates!_

* * *

"You guys really are fucked up beyond all recognition, you know that?"

"Shut up, Hermes." Cloud snorted, eyes gleaming evilly at the approaching figures.

"We should really consider sewing his mouth next time," Kida contemplated, aloud.

"Kaishin would sentence you to eternal damnation. Do you know how fucking hard it is to go to Kaishinist hell?"

"Hermes, seriously, shut the fuck up." Lea commanded.

"They're coming," Nyx hissed gripping onto her scythe.

"-seriously, if I'm calling you all scum, it's time to clean- Guys? Oi, bitches! Oh for fuck's sake, not again-"

"-Give me all your Halloween candy!" Kida leapt out from her hiding spot from the bushes with the other Lunas following suit, waving Hermes's detached head while, Nyx waved around her scythe to further demonstrate their point. The trick or treating children screamed and ran in scattered directions, while the other trick or treaters, teenagers, stared uncomprehendingly.

"_Shit_. They're _teenagers!_ What the fuck do we do?" Levi whispered.

"You know we could hear you right?" a girl with orange hair and a tattoo in her right arm stated with a raised eyebrow.

"T-they tried to steal my candy!" a small, _wait. What the Fuck?! Was that a deer, who _was on the verge of _crying_.

Suddenly the group before the Lunas began to radiate intense killer intent.

"Retreat!" Nyx suddenly screamed, as she scrambled for the sleek, black limousine that Aeris had kept running with the rest of the Lunas following suit, and apparently the Straw Hats also.

"Step on it!" Kida screeched, once they all piled unceremoniously into the limo.

"You guys better buckle up." Aeris turned toward the back seats to flash her passengers a psychotic grin.

Majority of the Lunas, besides Nyx and Cloud, blinked up at the brunette in disbelief as Aeris suddenly gunned the engine, reversing the car into a empty alleyway with enough force to snap their spines.

"What the hell are you—"

Before Kida could finish, Aeris floored the accelerator, emitting a screech that sent birds into flights as the car took off. Nyx began to grin widely, Hermes cursed in disbelief fighting the urge to hurl, Cloud began to whisper soothing words into Levi's ear and rubbing his back (although this didn't help the already nausea ridden boy) while everyone else clutched onto the seats for their dear lives as Aeris swerved viciously out of the alleyway and into oncoming traffic, sending other cars swerving out of the way as she floored the accelerator again.

"Are you fucking batshit?!" Kida shouted as Aeris intersected across three lanes without signalling. "Where the hell are you going?"

"Taking a detour!" Aeris grinned, reversing into another alleyway, as the Straw Hats, this time in a truck, followed them, while Aeris casually producing a glazed donut in her hand, seemingly out of no where.

Lea swore and threw her arms over her face as Aeris almost barreled over a passing civilian in the alleyway.

"You almost ran that kid over you fucking lunatic!" Lea screeched.

"Eh, he'll live," Cloud shrugged indifferently, helping himself to one of Aeris' donuts, and offering one to Nyx.

Besides Nyx, Cloud also seemed unaffected by the swerving vehicle tossing them all back and forth. He was currently eating a donut and holding back Levi's hair as he began disposing his dinner.

Hermes looked from Nyx to Aeris to Cloud, appalled, how they could stand their current condition he did not know. He began to clutch his rosary, rapidly making a prayer to Kaishin.

For the first time in her life, Lea actually wished the Marines would notice how fast this madwoman was driving and flag them down.

A second crossing pedestrian dove out of the way as Aeris swung into Valkyrie anchored at a secluded dock minutes later. She cut the engine and observing the half-destroyed streets behind her, looking rather proud of her handiwork and the fact that the Straw Hats were no longer following them.

Turning around, Aeris tried to muster a look of concern for her nausea ridden crewmates. She reached forward to pat Levi's head. Despite the overcoming drowsiness that had already started to blacken his sight, Levi managed to raise his head and look at Aeris as if she had lost her mind.

Silhouetted against the ship, overlooking the limousine was Rina, Klaus, and Strife. Together they watched the car swerve violently into the dock, spouting plumes of grime and pebbles. The vehicle gathered smoothly around the corners without the wheels moving a centimeter, screeching as it straightened and picked up to 150 kilometers an hour.

"I bet that Hermes is crying right now," the corners of Klaus mouths twitched imagining the look on Hermes' horrified face, while he stroked the cat ears on a sleeping Strife nestled comfortably in Klaus' lap.

Rina stretched out her arm to shake her crewmates' hand.

"Fifty bucks says he's going to throw up when he leaves the car."

Within a few minutes the car had come to a loud, piercing halt, in front of Valkyrie.

An instant later, the passenger door opened as bodies piled out of the car. Hermes began crawling over to the edge of the dock to throw up.

From the background Klaus handed Rina fifty bucks.

Kida was leaning on the car and clutching her sides, fighting the urge to hurl. Lea was staggering to the ship, slowly but steadily. Cloud had carried a comatose Levi, bridal style, out of the limo. Nyx and Aeris were the last ones to leave the car, sharing a box of glazed donuts, joking casually as if Aeris didn't just destroy half of the city.

"So how was stealing candy? Did you get a lot?" Rina purred when she knew full well the outcome, taking pleasure at her crewmates's, especially Lea's, pained reactions.

"Well we did but Levi threw up in the bags," Nyx growled, glaring at a now conscious Levi.

"Are you planning to go again next year?" a now awake Strife asked seriously, fighting the twitching corners of his lips.

"Yeah!" Aeris and Nyx cheered, highfiving, while Kida and Lea stood gaping, shaking their heads,with mouths open in dismay

"Probably," Cloud nodded, ignoring Levi's protesting thrashes in his arms.

The three were oblivious to their crewmates appalled reactions.

They were never ever going to steal candy with those crazy fuckers, ever.

The End


	6. Special: Black Friday

_Before We Begin:_ Here are some quick intros to the newest Luna Pirates.

**Asami Nara "Blind Bandit"-**

Sex: Female

Race: Human

Position: Merchant

Age: Nineteen

Fighting Abilities/Skills: User of the Ishiki Ishiki no Mi. Heightened sense (excluding sight because she's blind), can hear, sense, predict and "feel" twenty times better than the average human and can feel vibrations within the earth, has a quick witted intellect and sharp reflexes and can sense others before they sense her, giving her an advantage. Her suitcase is literally her only weapon (her fists in some cases). Uses people's pity on her blindness to her advantage. Skilled in hand in hand combat as she can predict opponent's movements, very agile and fast fighter.

Appearance: She has olive skin, plum purple straight hair reaching her waist with choppy bangs, and faded golden eyes, with a heart shaped face. She has a slim, limber figure with a light build. She wears a mesh, black cropped top, navy blue skinny pants, an olive green utility jacket and leather brown gladiator sandals. Her crescent moon tattoo is located in the lower, left region of her back.

Random Quirk: She carries around a suitcase stuffed with cash, and she's super picky about who gets to hold it, and if someone tries to take it without her permission, she will beat the shit out of them.

**Sato Kiba "Two-Hands"-**

Sex: Male

Race: Part Fishman, Part Human ("My mom got freaky with a Fishman on her Prom Night"- Kiba)

Position: Sniper/Guns-man

Age: Nineteen

Fighting Abilities/Skills: Wields dual pistols, and a bazooka. He is very skilled at wielding other firearms (unlike Kida who wields both long and short range weapons). He uses a combination of his guns and martial arts to fight. He has also demonstrated tremendous aim and agile prowess. Being part Fishman, Kiba's strength multiplies underwater, and can breath underwater as well.

Appearance: Kiba is a tall, lean man, with a muscular build. He has an oval shaped face and skin with a light bluish gray tint to it. He has gills located on both sides of his neck and retractable fins on both arms. Kiba has shaggy, tousled black hair and teal blue eyes. Wears a black kimono-styled cloak with a high collar and burgundy interior, it's partially open in the front with black hakama pants and rolls of loincloth wrapped around waist like a belt, and black sandals. He also has two cartilage piercing on his left ear.

Random Quirk: Kiba does karate when he is waiting for the microwave timer.

**Atlas Piper "Blonde Bomber"-**

Sex: Female

Race: Human

Position: Escape Artist

Age: Nineteen

Fighting Abilities/Skills: Piper is very knowledgeable with the subjects of science and math. She is extremely light-footed and quite strong, with a high pain endurance. Piper specializes in bombs; she usually fights from a distance with her bombs. Piper is also a skilled artisan, able to construct an acid bomb with ordinary household items, or make an effective, fool-proof weapon in fifteen minutes with stolen items.

Appearance: Light skinned with straight bright golden hair reaching her waist, most of the time her hair is piled into a messy bun on top of head and held back with pencils. Round shaped face with honey colored freckles across cheeks and nose. Bright lavender colored, cat like eyes with a slender frame. Wears a white jumpsuit with sleeves tied at the waist with a black tanktop, and black sneakers. Piper's crescent moon tattoo is in her left foot. Piper also wears an eye scope over her left eye to see her targets from a distance, being a long range fighter and all. Piper also carries around a bag filled with explosive arsenals around her waist.

Random Quirk: She has an emergency plan for EVERYTHING.

**Trancy Harlow "Venus Fly Trap"-**

Sex: Male

Race: Human

Position: Full Time 'Takes-Care-of-Dead-Bodies' Guy, and Part Time Spy/Botanist

Age: 23

Fighting Abilities/Skills: Eater of the Habu Habu No Mi. Harlow has the ability to control, create, and transform into plants. Harlow is also a moderately skilled combatant. He is proficient with hidden weaponry and martial arts. According to Kida, Harlow isn't a 'front line fighter'; Harlow is really just a spy for the Lunas.

Appearance: Tall, lean with muscular build. Shaggy, tousled gray hair reaching his mid back with centre parted bangs and bright yellow, green eyes. Olive skin with oval shaped face. He has a scar across the midsection of his face. Wears a black styled tunic-robe with the front partially open and leather slippers. His crescent moon tattoo is located on his chest.

Random Quirk: Harlow feels the need to replicate the sensations felt on one side of their body on the other side. (For example, taps right foot seven times, must tap left foot seven times.)

**Slade Killian "Crescent Dagger"-**

Sex: Male

Race: Human

Position: Assassin, Unofficial Father Figure of the Lunas

Age: 25

Fighting Abilities/Skills: Being a former assassin for the Celestial Dragons, Killian is skilled with many weapons, mostly close ranged ones. He is a master swordsman with acrobatic skill and uses various weapons for close range combat, varying from nunchucks to gigantic scissors, and the occasional ninja star. Main weapons: Alternates between twin kukri knives tied together with a long leather rope at the handles to make rope darts and a large claymore sword that he sometimes use as a flail with the cloth tied to handle of sword.

Appearance: Porcelain skin with a slim, light muscular build. Stands at 5'9 feet. Has onyx colored eyes with raven-black hair that is pulled back with a white elastic in a low, thin ponytail extending to mid-spine. Also has centre-parted bangs framing face, and extending an inch past his earlobe. Outerwear includes a black cloak with a chin high collar and crimson red interior draped around shoulders. Inner wear includes a long sleeved black mesh shirt under a navy blue v-neck long sleeved shirt, both sleeves folded to elbows with a white belt and black pants tucked into white legwarmers and black sandals. Crescent moon tattoo is located on his left bicep. Sword is strapped to back, while kukri knives are strapped to left thigh.

Random Quirk: Killian has served some time in prison, and whenever he is asked about it he always tells a different story, and he is near sighted, making him practically blind. So in the middle of the night if the Lunas hear random bumping and furniture being toppled over, it's Killian trying to walk to the bathroom.

* * *

**Summary Details: Black Friday fic w/ OOC canon characters and OCs. Takes place in a Modern AU in a mall in the Grandline, everyone is alive, and all powers are in tact.**

**A/N: I'm sorry for the amount of unadulterated crack written, and the fact that, half of the story won't even make sense (but that's ok since it's a cracky One Piece fic and the character's actions never makes any sense). **

**Disclaimer: The following canon One Piece characters do not belong to me, however, the Luna Pirates do. Also World Rancor News, the Capricorn, Virgo, and Libra Pirates belong to Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin. **

**Hope you enjoy it, as much as I enjoyed writing it!**

* * *

_Prologue:_ Thanksgiving was a holiday to give thanks and appreciate everyone and everything in our lives. And Black Friday? Well Black Friday was also a holiday in it's own way. Sure, it totally contradicted the whole point of Thanksgiving, which happened to be a day before Black Friday. But you know what? Who cares, you get things seventy percent off from it's original price, plus, you could shove and run over as many people as you want, and people would be totally fine with it because it's all in the name of Black Friday.

Especially in the Grandline.

Nothing was ever _normal_, much less on a holiday.

A regular day in the Grandline was like talking to a neurotic control freak. And days in the Grandline during the holidays was like talking to a neurotic control freak _on crack_.

* * *

_Tip: When you arrive at the mall, take in your surrounding. Notice everything and turn it into your playing field. Remember, shopping on Black Friday is a matter of life and death, people take that shit seriously._

* * *

_Black Friday 2013:_

"It looks like the Hunger Games." Levi Greybeck announced once the Luna Pirates stepped through the entrance. A scene unfolding on the escalator caught his eyes as he observed the mall.

A brunette girl was currently shouldering her way down the escalator. Bowling women, children, and strollers out of the way as she went. There was a crazed look in her eye as she cradled a polished, designer bag in her arms.

"Isn't that the captain of the Capricorn Pirates, Yuki-Rin?" Piper asked, tilting her head to the side. She couldn't tell because the girl was moving too fast.

"I don't think- actually, yeah, it definitely is," Strife said, watching Yuki-Rin push a fellow Libra crew mate, Marlene Grey, down.

"The more I think about it, the more I realize Black Friday is not like the Hunger Games, more people die during Black Friday," Cloud watched as Yuki-Rin almost killed another innocent bystander by stepping on their spine.

Turning their attention away from the escalator once Yuki-Rin made her brave and laborious descent from the Michael Kors store on the second floor to the first floor without a scratch, Killian began to speak. "Since I'm new to this Black Friday shopping, do you mind telling me the rules of survival?"

"Once we separate…," Kida began.

"...it's every man for himself," Klaus finished.

"And if we kill someone we give them to Harlow to dispose of," Lea said, looking pointedly at one of their newest crew members.

"And if any of us are ever in need of a favor, we help each other out," Nyx concluded.

"I see….," Kiba murmured, thinking of seeking refuge in Blockbuster's; a retirement home was more livelier than that place.

"You guys ready?" Rina asked taking a weary glance at the riot in Urban Outfitters, making a mental note to avoid that store.

Asami smirked, "Let the Black Friday Games begin-".

"Oi wait, try not to get too drunk or stoned out your fucking minds alright?" Klaus suddenly cut in.

"Yeah, I don't want to be picking seastone shrapnels out your asses like last year." Aeris said, making a face.

"How many times do I have to tell you?! It was an accident!" Hermes defended.

Aeris only hummed in mock acknowledgement.

As the rest of the Lunas departed, bidding each other "may the odds be ever in your favor", the song _Highway to Hell _begins to play softly and slowly build up.

* * *

_Tip: If you're not into Black Friday, you should still go. Pop some popcorn, steal some ice-cream, and sit back to watch the chaos. It's better than 3D movies because things actually fly at your face._

* * *

Nyx wandered throughout the mall, nonchalantly dodging the flying utensils, fireballs, bullets, and the occasional lingerie.

As she walked she noticed one particular store jigging more thunderously than the rest. It was the Apple Store.

"Oh boy," Nyx grinned eagerly, walking to the front of the store to sit down, and munching on popcorn, that she seemingly produced out of nowhere, happily.

Inside was the Capricorns, Libras, Blackbeard's crew, Luffy, and Ace.

"Well that sure as hell explains the liveliness," someone sitting to Nyx suddenly spoke up.

Nyx looked up to find a Isabella, a member of the Virgo Pirates, clutching pints of Hagen Daz ice cream.

The two watched in amusement at the mayhem inside. Ace and Blackbeard were currently playing tug of war with a MacBook Air, while employees tiptoed around the two in distress, not wanting to touch the two fuming customers.

"Twenty bucks says Ace will be the one burning down the store," Nyx challenged Isabella.

"You're on," Isabella grinned, reaching over to shake Nyx's hand.

True to Nyx's word, the Apple store did end up burning down.

But not by Ace.

It was the Libra Pirates.

Nyx already lost twenty bucks within thirty minutes of Black Friday.

* * *

_Tip: Have some sympathy for the workers and security workers. They put up with this shit on a daily basis._

* * *

"...She's got a pencil sharpener! Oh god, what is she doing with that pencil sharpener- HOLY SHIT! SEND BACKUP AND SECURE THE PERIMETER OF THE H&M STORE IMMEDIATELY!" _(A/N: It was Lea. Lea was armed with the pencil sharpener)_

The line then went dead.

Smoker pinched the bridge of his nose as he put away his walkie talkie. Sometimes he hated his job.

Why did _he_ have to be one stationed at the mall? Especially on_ Black Friday,_ the most hectic day of the year? Seriously, why _him?_

He paid his taxes, he tried his best to catch pirates, and he washed the dishes. What did he ever do to deserve this? He was-

Smoker's self pity was cut short as his walkie-talkie, once again, crackled to life.

"Captain! We have another PetCo security breach in aisle 5! It's Straw Hat, again!" Tashigi cried through the other end.

"What animal did he release this time?" Smoker sighed.

"There are monkeys _everywhere_, sir! Please come quick!" Tashigi urged. Smoker fought the urge to smack his forehead. He didn't get paid enough for this shit.

"I'm on my way," Smoker drawled.

Seriously, he hated his job sometimes.

* * *

_Tip: When in a Black Friday fight, trickery and deceiving your opponent is the best option._

* * *

Lucci's gaze on him harshened. Buggy's glare on Lucci also intensified.

Glancing down at the My Little Pony plushie in his arms, Lucci was reminded that this was his worst Black Friday experience. First, when he goes to buy his MLP plushie, they gave him _Applejack_ instead of _Rainbow Dash_, when he clearly said he wanted _Rainbow Dash._ And now, this imbecile wants to take the last Wild Turkey Whisky, another day Lucci would've let him have it, but not today.

He tried, once again, to tug the last bottle of whisky out of Buggy's grasp, but to no avail did it actually work. If anything it motivated Buggy to tighten his grip on the whisky bottle.

"Let go, or you shall suffer the consequences severely," Lucci growled.

"I got this bottle first bastard!" Buggy snapped.

"Let's settle this then, here and now. A fight to the death," Lucci said, an idea coming to mind.

"I'll fight you, you fucking Brony! You and your goddamned Applejack plushie!" Buggy spat, loosening his grip on the whisky bottle to get into a fighting stance.

And with that, Lucci gave one final, hard yank. Buggy was sent tumbling forward, his hold on the whisky bottle no longer there.

And Lucci ran, he ran so far.

* * *

_Tip: If you're going to take out a portion of the mall, at least make sure none of the electronics or books get hurt. That shit is expensive._

* * *

Mihawk wandered the toy aisle of Target, scrutinizing each toy with a critical eye.

_Too pink. Too loud. Too sparkly. Too hairy. _

Mihawk was never really one to care for Black Friday. The only reason why he was there was to go shopping for "cute" things for Perona. And knowing her, her meaning for "cute" was totally different from his meaning, from everyone's actually.

"That looks promising," Mihawk murmured, catching sight of a teddy bear with rearranged limbs and stitches for eyes. Dropping it into the shopping basket, Mihawk made his way to the cashier register.

"_MIHAAAAWWWWKK_!"

Mihawk didn't even need to turn around to see who it was, he already knew.

"Roronoa," Mihawk prompted, turning.

There stood Roronoa Zoro, all three swords unsheathed, and with a child tugging at his pants.

"Zoro, I'm hungry can we get ice cream?" the little girl whined.

"Hn, later," Zoro grunted.

"Mosshead you're getting paid to babysit me! Not play swords," the girl grumbled.

"Chimney, sit down. I'll get your ice-cream later," Zoro's hardened, fixated glare never left Mihawk as he spoke. Mihawk also stared back, finding it rather impressive that Zoro could talk with a sword in his mouth.

Knowing arguing any further was futile, Chimney walked to a reasonably safe distance.

"Draw your sword, Mihawk. We are settling this now," Zoro declared.

Mihawk finding no harm in doing so, even though they were in a store full of people, agreed.

"Very well."

Unsheathing his sword, Mihawk stood in a battle stance.

To the count of three 'Black Fridays', the two charged forward and crossed blades.

* * *

_Tip: Gay porn books are better than straight porn books. Get the gay porn books._

* * *

"P-please Miss, we don't have any! I swear!" the Barnes and Noble worker, Milton, stammered.

He was currently being held by the collar of his shirt by Aeris, who was at least four inches shorter than him. She may have been short but that didn't stop her from being any more frightening.

"_Any_?" Aeris asked in a deadly cool tone.

"N-no, I swear! We don't sell any g-gay porn books," Milton squeaked.

Aeris, unable to keep her calm and collected facade, exploded.

"What the FUCK do you mean you don't sell gay porn books here? That doesn't even make sense! You sell 50 Shades of Grey but no homoerotic fiction?!" Aeris bellowed, letting go of Miton's collar.

Milton automatically stepped five feet back from the fuming girl.

"W-well we could let you look at our heteroerotic fiction. We've got a brand new series."

"Absolutely _not_. Have you ever read homoerotic fiction? Do you know how much better it is than heteroerotic?! Half of those damned authors don't even know how to write. I've read better porn written by pubescent teenagers!" Aeris scoffed.

"B-but our new series offers, erm, better understanding of the topic," Milton offered, holding out the book to Aeris.

Snatching the book away from Milton and opening it, Aeris began to read, murmuring under her breath.

"...blowing into her..._oh my god_. This _idiot, _that will kill her!...You can't even do that to a dog! That's animal cruelty and dog's don't even have that!...that _is not_ what a whisk is used for...definitely never eating the pancakes at their house...this _motherfucker_. SPLEENS ARE NOT LOCATED THERE…...jeez…..it is medically _impossible_ to shove _anything_ up there….my god…Fucking _hell_, doesn't this author know it's physical impossible to do _that _with handcuffs on, even if you take a _pilates_ _class_!?"

After about thirty seconds of reading, and having enough of the author's lack of knowledge for human body parts and basic animal anatomy, Aeris snapped the book shut and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I'm going to guess you aren't buying the book..?" Milton asked softly.

Aeris just shook her head, seemingly muttering numbers under her breath, and stalked to the Barnes and Noble exit.

* * *

_Tip: Beware the fangirls. Especially if they're in a mob. They tend to swarm._

* * *

_I knew should've stayed home, _Law thought venomously while crouching behind the large potted plant while sipping his latte broodily.

All Law wanted was to enjoy his grande Caramel Brulee Latte from Starbucks and and pick up some Urban Outfitter beanies.

But _noooooooo_, instead he just had to get attacked by a swarm of fangirls. One of them even managed to take his sock, without _taking off_ his shoe. Not only that, he has also gotten of panties and bras thrown at him, and now the skeleton from the Straw Hat Pirates is eyeing him murderously. He came out to have a good time and he was honestly feeling so attacked right now.

_Well, atleast I have my latte,_ Law shrugged. Dusting himself off as he left his hiding spot, Law resumed his walk.

Turning a corner, Law was just about to make his way down to JCPenney, when a voice, clear as day, shouted across the mall.

"I found him! _Trafalgar Law_!" The sound of rumbling shook the whole mall, signalling the fangirl's descendance onto the pirate.

"O-M-G!"

"Law let me have your babies!"

As the mob was about to cross over to the other side of the bridge, and Law was about to meet his doom, a miracle happened.

The bridge supporting the fangirls had collapsed, dragging them all to hell (it was actually the second floor to Nordstrom, but who cares, same thing. Both were filled with vampires who sucked your energy, or in this case, wild suburban moms desperately trying to cling onto their youthfulness.)

Law looked down at the pile rubble that was once a bridge, looking rather pleased (_and can I daresay, amused?_) with the outcome of the situation.

So, maybe, he shouldn't have stayed home.

* * *

_Tip: When being nice doesn't work, you retaliate._

* * *

Piper stood a few feet away from the entrance of Bloomingdale's. She watched on, proud of her handiwork, as people inside collapsed from her chloroform bomb inside.

Piper tried to be nice.

She really, _really _did.

But to no avail did she ever pull through with her generosity. Like everything else, her kindness had a limit. Piper's patience and kindness was cut short when some blonde bimbo shoved Piper, brutally ran over her spine (how Piper's spine did not break, she did not know), and proceeded to take Piper's Flowerbomb Perfume set.

Slipping on a gas mask, and stalking over to the twitching blonde, Piper snatched the Flowerbomb Perfume set that was rightfully _hers_. That bitches had it coming for trying to take it in the first place. If she had just left Piper alone, she would have never passed out on the second floor of Bloomingdale's.

_Besides, if wasn't like she was actually going to do anything useful with the perfume set, like make a bomb_, Piper thought as she made her way to Bath and Body Works.

* * *

_Tip: Air vents are a good source of escape when doors and windows have been barricaded._

* * *

Koala was going to _kill_ Sabo.

The _little_ _shit_ had dragged her to Black Friday, and then he lost her in Saks Fifth Avenue, and now she was getting shoved at, pushed at, and shanked at (luckily she dodged them all).

Koala was going to die and she was never going to fulfill her dream of slapping the idiot, who dragged her here, silly. All entrances have been cut off and all windows were sealed, escape was futile….unless, Koala paused, unless….she climbed through the vents to the next store, Panda Express. The closest vent was about fifteen meters away from her.

Koala took a deep breath, alright she could do this. In two quick strides, the Revolutionary had tucked in her legs, somersaulted in the air, and miraculously landed on the perfume countertop, without taking a flying knife to the face. Next, she dashed to the end of the countertop, and used her momentum to get to the hanging chandelier. With a quick kick of her leg, Koala was sent sailing across the room, curving her fall, Koala landed with her hand inside the vent, and her feet dangling below her.

Koala looked down to see swarming mobs fighting over panties, candles, and clutches.

"I'll give you my newborn son! Please! I need this lipstick! It makes me look young!" a suburban mom yelled to an innocent looking boy buying lipstick for his sister. Poor thing looked like a lamb off to the slaughter.

Any other day Koala would've helped the boy, but not today, it was every man for himself. Koala began to climb into the vent. With her whole body inside the vent now, Koala began to crawl through the vents, moving in a way that greatly resembled the shimmy.

After thirty minutes of laborious crawling, Koala began to see a light. Holding back her shriek of happiness, Koala began to pick up her pace. Salvation was near!

Crawling, crawling, crawling-

Koala suddenly fell.

Looking up, Koala sighed in relief to find herself in Panda's Express, and several people looking down at her.

The faces were Killian Slade, the Kuja Pirates, and Mr. 3.

"Where did you come from?" a Kuja Pirate asked.

"Saks Fifth Avenue," Koala replied in a bit of a daze, adding, "What are you all doing in here?"

"We barricaded ourselves inside after the fangirls found out Law was in this part of the mall," Killian informed.

"Right…..and why am I sitting on this puddle? Where did it even come from? And why is it suspiciously yellow….," Koala trailed off, gulping. It was either apple juice (which she prayed) or…... she suddenly didn't want to know.

"Mr. 3 had a nervous breakdown and he-" a Kuja pirate began.

"I suddenly don't want to know," Koala cut in, shivering, as she stood up gingerly.

Yep she was definitely going to kill Sabo.

* * *

_Tip: Alliances makes conquering an easier job._

* * *

"Eustass Kid, just the person I was looking for!"

Kid turned around to come face to face with Kida, smiling rather evilly.

"What do you want?" Kid asked cautiously.

"It's pretty simple actually, you control metal right?" Kida waited for Kid to nod before continuing. "How about we team up? You can use your powers to send all the jewelry, knives, guns, and spears in our direction!"

"And why should I help you?" Kid asked, quirking a non-existent eyebrow.

Kida gave him a look. "Weapons, duh. Plus one of the flying weapons could accidently take out Straw Hat or Law."

Kid was instantly sold at the thought of a headless Law.

"Alright."

And that's how the mall was suddenly filled with flying weapons.

* * *

_Tip: Karaoke battles solve everything._

* * *

"There is no way in_ hell_ that I'm singing."

First Marlene Grey was roped into a religious cult by Hermes, the religious fanatic. And then, said religious fanatic was now forcing her against her will to perform in front of millions in the middle of all this choas, with weapons, fireballs, monkeys, and people flying everywhere. And it was all over a stupid band set that Heathcliff, Soren, and Holden Sarutobi, from the Capricorn Pirates, wagered against Hermes. Those bastards.

"You have to! We need three members!" Hermes snapped.

"Well, where's your third member?" Marlene demanded. She suddenly yelped as the cat jumped from Hermes's arms and transformed into a man. It was Strife Lockheart.

"There he is," Hermes grinned.

"I still don't get why we are doing this. I barely even _know _you," Marlene sighed.

"We are doing this because it is against my religion to turn down a challenge, I don't want to lose my Acoustic/Electric Band Set gift to the twins, and crushing the Capricorns would be satisfying, wouldn't it?"

Marlene paused, _the religious fanatic did have a point_.

"Do you have a song in mind?" Strife spoke up, seeing that Marlene had made up her mind to sing.

"How about Vampire Weekend? Arctic Monkeys? Two Door Cinema Club? Passion-"

"No," Hermes flatly denied, shaking his head. "What the fuck kind of heathen music is that?"

Marlene looked at Hermes in disbelief. What music was better than those bands?

"Well then what-"

Marlene was cut off once again, as Hermes suddenly held up his index finger.

"Shut up. They're starting."

Marlene looked up to see the Sarutobi Siblings, their opponents, in their Adonis-like glory. Heathcliff had taken center stage, being the lead singer and all, with a guitar strapped to his body. Holden stood behind him, to Heathcliff's left, he would be playing the bass guitar. And, finally, Soren stood at the vertical end of Holden, seated behind drums.

Together, all three looked rather badass, unleashing a wave of sexiness. There was already a pack of girls (and some guys), with pent up sexual frustration, huddling below the stage, looking up at the three in awe.

Marlene knew her group was in deep shit, when Soren winked flirtatiously at the audience below him and they lost it. Panties and bras went flying towards the Sarutobi's way.

"Hello, we are the Sarutobi Siblings and tonight we will be performing for you," Heathcliff said graciously, as the audience, once again, cheered.

"I love you!"

"Senpai, notice me!"

"Heathcliff-sama! Let me lick your abs!"

"Hey! You bitch, back off! Heathcliff's dating me! I called dibs like five years ago," Heathcliff's girlfriend, Aki Cheung-Feng, suddenly snapped, effectively silencing the audience.

Heathcliff smiled once more at the audience, before the music was cued.

It had a smooth and steady tube with a seductive tune.

Slowly the three brothers began to sway their hips to the music, nodding their heads, and humming to themselves until it was time to start singing.

Looking up at the audience, Heathcliff smirked, as he began to sing. It was sexy, in a husky, breathless way.

_Looking you over,_

_and you don't know my name yet…_

_But by the time you looked away_

_already knew I couldn't fake it_

_I got this need for you forming in my beating heart_

_I knew the meaning right away, we only yesterday_

_were worlds apart_

_I think I may love you, if you give me some time,_

_maybe you'll love me too…_

Marlene looked on at the audience as Heathcliff continued singing. They seemed to be lost in his voice, hypnotized and swaying back and forth as if they were on a boat. _There is no way we can compete with that_. As the chorus began, Soren and Holden began to join in. _Yeah, we are definitely fucked, they sound like a choir of angels._

_I got this thing for you_

_if you come closer I can whisper in your ear_

_and if you wanna walk away_

_I'll tell you all the things I know you wanna hear._

_I'll come closer_

_to you if you_

_come over_

_I know we'll go farther_

_farther with you_

_with you I'm in warm water swimming down._

_I think I may love you, if you give me some time,_

_maybe you'll love me too…_

The song's seductive beat began to dwindle, signalling the song's end. As the three brothers finished their last note, the audience exploded into applause. _(A/N: The song the three sang was Warm Water (Snakehips Remix by Banks)_

The brother's bowed and walked to the edge of the stage, smirking victoriously as they caught Marlene's eyes stepping down from the stage. _Assholes_.

"Alright, let's go fuckers," Hermes announced, not at all phased at the previous performance. "Oi, Fishsticks, can you play anything?"

"Just the piano," Marlene replied.

"Strife, you take the violin, and Jaws, you do backup vocals and play the piano on stage. Just listen to the tune of the violin and then play the piano in resonance. Got it?" Hermes instructed.

Marlene nodded a bit uncertainly, as the three made their way on stage.

The audience looked a little taken aback at the next band group. They weren't sure what to make of the blue-haired man (sure he was hot, but he looked rather stoned), the snow-white skinned man (also hot) with unsettling dark eyes, and the fishwomen, who looked like she wanted to kill herself. The group did look a little intimidating, like they were going to kill your cat.

"_Marlene_?!"

Marlene clenched her eyes shut. A mixture of dread and misery pooling in her gut.

_Please don't be them. __Please don't be them__. __PLEASE DON'T BE THEM__.__**PLEASEDON'TBETHEM. **_

Looking up slowly, Marlene fought the urge to groan as she saw her crew, the Libra Pirates, watching the unfolding scene in a state of amusement and disbelief.

"What drug did you take to take part in singing against the Sarutobis?" Amelia Abingdon, from the Libras, shouted across the audience as everyone looked back in surprise.

"Or are you so smashed, that you decided to go against my dad and his uncles?" Mason Sarutobi snickered.

"I'm not stoned or drunk," Marlene snapped at the audience (the Libras). "I was forced here against my will," she sniffed.

"Riiiiiiiiiight," the whole lot of the Libras seemed to chorus together.

"You better make it fucking rain on their asses! Or else, I'm forcing you to listen to the iPod of Doom," Kazura Miyafuji threatened.

Marlene could feel the pooling dread in her gut expand. The iPod of Doom had a playlist of the most recent, mainstream songs, plus an additional playlist of the Rick Roll song on a loop. Listening to the iPod for thirty minutes could drive any hipster insane.

"Don't worry, Marlene, just pretend that you're naked and in the shower. Sing like that!" Yukari Miyafuji advised.

Marlene only responded by cocking them her middle finger, before turning to face the audience.

"Hello we are the..erm…," Marlene paused. _Yeah, we are fucking doomed. we don't even have a name for our band._

"The Somnambulant Garbage Men!" Edmund Abingdon shouted across the audience as everyone else looked at him. He put up his hands defensively "What? It's a good name!

Taking this as his cue to start, Strife began to play his violin. Slowly his sleepy eyes began to widen, looking more awake, while he stood up straighter. Now, he looked at peace and serene, not like the narcoleptic, slouching man from before. Being in engrossed with his violin gave off a more attractive vibe, a ghost of a smile hovered over his face.

Marlene looked at the blue-haired man in surprise. _He's so good_, Marlene thought, and she wasn't the only one thinking that, as half of the audience looked up at the violin player, open-mouthed.

The tune of the violin was bittersweet. It sounded dark, but so passionate and full of life, and even a little seductive. Shrugging, Marlene began to play the piano, playing in harmony with the violin's baritone melody.

It started as an unintelligible hum, and then slowly it began to increase in volume, until Hermes' voice could be heard throughout every corner of the mall, and it was a _gorgeous _song. The song was heart rending and macabre in it's own way, but nobody seemed to care, as the audience looked to be under the spell of Hermes' voice. It was both sensual, and passionate.

Marlene gaped at the religious fanatic, his voice was heavenly, but, just what the _fuck _was he singing? Looking to her right, Marlene noticed that even Strife didn't look all that surprised.

Hermes looked like he was in his own world, he sang on voice passionate.

_The heavens raining with blood of heathens_

_Painting the city crimson red_

_Going after those whose purity have been shed_

_For me a blood-bought reward,_

_a silken noose and gold-wrought sword_

Marlene, catching the look Strife shot her, began to sing the back-up vocals, strangely, her feathery, lilting voice was oddly in tune with Hermes husky, hollowed one.

_I have an eternity to punish sin (an eternity to punish in)_

_For destruction (sweet destruction)_

_Oh holy destruction (divine destruction)_

The sound of the Hermes' voice began to diminish as the sound of Marlene's and Strife's instrument began to shrink, signalling the end of the song.

The audience cheered in ecstasy, some bras and panties even got thrown on stage.

Retreating back to the stage, Marlene was greeted by a swarm of girls buzzing around Hermes.

"That was so beautiful, Hermes!" one of the girls cooed.

_...that was mental, _Marlene thought.

"You sound like an angel, Hermes-senpai!" another girl sobbed from the floor.

Hermes looked on a little blankly, unaware of his charismatic charm onstage.

"Uh...thanks?"

"Oi! Garbage Men!"

Marlene's, Hermes's, and Strife's head swiveled to the source of the voice behind them, the Sarutobi Brothers.

"You won," Soren said grudgingly.

"But that doesn't mean there won't be a rematch!" Heathcliff added.

With their remaining dignity, the three brothers turned on their heel.

Marlene smirked feeling rather proud, _Ha assholes,_ before turning around to come face to face with Hermes holding out an object out to her.

It was a rosary. The pendant, in the middle of the beaded necklace, was a triangle with three small circles around each vertex.

"I-"

"Take it," Hermes insisted.

Subconsciously, she reached forward and accepted it.

"No rush," Hermes began casually. "You can start with animals, squirrels and shit, and then you move up to people."

"I-" Marlene started again.

"Shit I gotta go," Hermes said picking up Strife, now in cat form, and picking up the instrument set. "Drop me a line sometime, Fishsticks, we can go convert heathens."

Marlene gaped, mouth opening and closing, while Hermes waved goodbye as he strode off.

_What the hell was that?_ She asked herself. _Who the hell was that? What a fucking loony._

Marlene stood there for a second a little dazed until her crewmates greeted her backstage.

"Hahaha! Where are those Sarutobi dipshits?! I wanna rub it in their face that they lost!" Mason whooped.

"They left already," Marlene said, unconsciously wrapping her fingers around rosary and fiddling with it's beads.

"They just couldn't face the thought of losing," Miller Pratt tsked.

"I _totally _knew you guys were going to win," Jin-Mao Xiang started as he reached the Marlene.

"No you didn't, you betted against them," Hunter Day reminded.

"Speaking of, you owe me twenty bucks," Opal Rinaldi reprimanded, holding out her hand in Jin-Mao's direction.

"Hey, let's go to American Eagle Outfitters, and start a riot in there! I heard some Capricorns are in there," Daiyu Lung announced, tugging Marlene's arm toward the store.

"I hope Yuki-Rin is in there," Marlene murmured lowly, eyeing the rosary once more before, shrugging and putting it into her pocket, _Maybe she can be the first person I sacrifice._

"I'll hold her down and you can shank her!" Pearl Chung-Feng said, as the Libras made their way to American Eagle.

* * *

_Tip: Kids are useless and don't deserve anything. Push them out of the way during Black Friday and make them your servants for an eternity!_

* * *

Levi and Cloud Greybeck were soulless, blunt assholes, ask any Lunas who the biggest asshole on the crew was and they would all point to Levi and Cloud. Their pranks were often too brutal and could result in fractured bones and broken limbs, sometimes death, if one wasn't too careful. And they loathed most children, only about 1% of the child population was 'moderately' liked by the twins.

Unfortunately, every store in the mall, especially Gamestop (where Levi and Cloud currently were), was filled to brim with children and their mothers who made it their mission to pester every worker, block every doorway, and take up every corner of a room. Not to mention the fact that Levi and Cloud seemed to have no qualms with telling a child to "fuck off" as they have told everyone else. Their parents weren't so pleased.

"I think you should leave, your foul language will not be tolerated in an environment for kids," a mother said coldly, her glare could've melted the North Pole, but it didn't seem to phase the twins one bit.

"Why should we?! Your brat of a child brutally ran over my foot with his goddamn wheelchair! If anyone should leave it's you and your fucking gremlin," Levi snarled.

"It was an accident, mommy and daddy! The mean man tried to take the game we were buying," the child's lower lip began to quiver while tears threatened to fall out of the corners of his eyes. He was also stroking the last Super Smash Bros Brawl game in his lap.

"Accident my ass! This fucker ran over my brother's foot eight times!" Cloud snapped.

The child began to sob uncontrollably.

"Oh darling!" the mother cried, hugging her child with her back turned on the twins. Taking advantage of that, the child abruptly stopped crying and shot the two a positively, evil grin.

With that, Levi and Cloud were just about to lunge, when someone held them back by the scruff of their collars.

"Who the fu-" Cloud turned around to see Rina Daneryen staring down at them with her lips curled in amusement.

"What's going on?" Rina inquired, catching the family's attention.

"My child is only eight and those two tossed him out of his wheelchair and laid him on the floor, and if no one saw, he would've laid there forever, he can't walk!" the father yelled, glaring at Levi and Cloud, who regarded him with a 'bitch-had-it-coming' look.

Rina raised an eyebrow, "You'll have to forgive them, they are unbelievably stupid."

"Oi!" Levi growled.

"He fucking started it, so we retaliated. You can't let him get away with that bullshit," Cloud said pointedly, looking at the mother almost like he was disappointed in her.

"What did you do to the brat?" Rina asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"He stole the game we were getting, and he ran over my foot with his fucking wheelchair, eight times!" Levi accused.

"Mmmmm." Something in Rina's eyes seemed to twinkle mischievously. "Alright, Mrs., it seems I will have to take my acquaintances word, however, I do suggest a wager."

Charlie looked at Rina curiously. "What is it lady?"

Rina seemed to twitch at being called "lady" (she was in her early twenties!), but she continued to talk on. "Whoever wins in a game of Super Smash, gets the game, and whoever loses..," Rina didn't finish, she just smirked to illustrate her point.

"Cloud, Levi, and I versus you three, the side with the most wins is victorious," Rina said looking from the mother, father, to Charlie.

"Fine," the father sniffed, he was going to show these punks who they were messing with.

Turning back to the twins, Rina began to talk.

"See that man with the atrocious haircut?" Rina asked, looking over at the father and pointing at the corner of his shirt, that said 'Gamestop Tech Helper', while Levi and Cloud nodded. "Well, he is a worker here, so, he has got to know a thing or two more about the game then we do, so let him go first, and let him beat us on the first round. This will boost their confidence. And when the child and mother plays, we will crush them! The child's left fingers twitch every so often, so pushing majority of the buttons should be a bit of a challenge for him and the mother, well, she's technologically challenged," Rina, Levi, and Cloud paused to look over at the mother trying, rather pathetically, to scan the price of a game. "Alright, meeting dismissed!"

The first round was Cloud against the father. As predicted, he won. The mother and child looked a bit _too_ smug, sneering every so often in their direction while Levi and Rina were trying their best to push down their homicidal urges.

The second round was Levi and the mother. Halfway through the game, the woman had to pause and ask what button A did. It was pretty obvious who won that round.

It was finally the third round, and the Charlie was practically glowing, despite the past round's loss.

"I'll beat you. Mother says I'm the_ best_ gamer she has ever known," Charlie scoffed.

"Oh I wouldn't count on that, bud," Rina said with a smirk, something about him told her that he was going to grow up to be a fedora-wearing Brony, and that the only woman in his life would be his mother.

They started the game, and Rina completely demolished the boy, along with his ego. As she delivered the last blow, signalling her win, Rina threw back her head laughing maniacally.

"Yes! We defeated you for all eternity! You will never rise from the ashes of your shame and humiliation!"

"I'll be taking this!" Cloud said gleefully, waltzing over to snatch the game out of Charlie's hand.

"Suck it you fucking gremlin!" Levi sneered.

"What is wrong with you?! He is only eight!" the mother yelled.

"My son is also crippled! How can you say that and rip away his dream!" the father demanded, pointing to his son's crying face. Honestly, the poor boy's face would've melted any heart, but not Levi's, Cloud's, or Rina's, they had no heart.

"Hey you agreed to the terms, you played, and you lost, so tough shit," Cloud said nonchalantly.

"Well, you don't cuss out a child or remove him from his wheelchair! You're lucky we aren't calling the police!" the mother snapped, turning the conversation back to the earlier scene.

"Call the police for what? 'Oh I'm sorry, I'm a neglectful bitch of a mother who lets her asshole kid go around fucking up people's days.' Yeah, good luck with that." Levi snorted.

"Don't go talking to my wife like that you

asshole!" the father's face began to turn red.

"Well don't go around letting your kid act like a presumptuous little bitch," Rina retorted.

"You guys keep talking and I will beat the shit out of you all. You have no idea how hard being a mother is!"

"Well it can't be difficult if they let lazy bitches like you do it." Cloud deadpanned.

The women then ran forward to swing her fist at Cloud, who quickly dodged, meaning the woman punched one of the employees, who came over to sort things out. The twins obviously found this hilarious, as they laughed whilst the women apologized profusely to the know bloody nosed worker.

"Move. Now!" Rina suddenly commanded, noticing the manager approaching them.

The twins weren't so stupid to stick around for the chaos that was beginning and followed.

"Hey! You assholes get back here!" the man shouted, as his wife tried to give chase. But it was too late, the man and woman were both stopped by the manager, who wasn't pleased at the staff assault.

* * *

_Tip: Construction workers always have it the hardest, especially on Black Friday, but who cares, get wild!_

* * *

Paulie looked at the mall, eyes wide in disbelief.

The mall looked like a post-apocalyptic mess.

"Uh...sir, here is the reports about the mall's damages that you wanted."

Paulie looked to his right to see his assistant, Tessa, holding out an intimidating stack of paper at him.

Taking the papers from the mousy assistant, Paulie began to scan over the damage reports.

_-Burnt down Apple store, caused by Libra Pirates. __Important Note: Apple store was inexplicably turned into a morgue. It is starting to smell of rotting corpses, Smoker says to "Febreze that shit"._

_-Bridge connecting east and west part of mall collapsed and destroyed second floor of Nordstrom, caused by Trafalgar Law (Heart Pirates)'s fangirls._

_-Cement truck driven by Chopper (Straw Hat Pirates) crashed into Blockbuster's store. __Important Note: Do not let the reindeer drive, NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS._

_-Macy's furniture store is destroyed, caused by Penderghast Nyx (Luna Pirates), who started a pillow fight in the store._

_-H&M is only a pile of rubble now, caused by Mason Lea (Luna Pirates). __Important Note: Do not let the girl hold a sharpener, __**ever**__._

_-Window's Store is barricaded by Usopp (Straw Hat Pirates). __Important Note: Whoever comes within a yard, get's a Tabasco Star or Pepper Star to the Face._

_-Starbuck's exploded, caused by Klaus Gunstone (Luna Pirates). __Important Note: Do not give him alcohol or oil or flour dust. They are highly flammable and flour dust is explosive. And do not believe him when he says he works at Starbuck's._

_-Crates of tea dumped in the mall's fountains, caused by Greybeck Cloud and Levi (Luna Pirates)._

_-Mall's entrance have been torn apart, caused by Aeris Rockbell (Lunas Pirates) She drove through the entrance with a Maserati._

_-North side of the mall is filled with overflowing lava, caused by Akainu (Marine Admiral) __Important Note: Do not let Gecko Moria (Former-Warlord) drink __**ever**__. He will only get drunk and try to start the conga line (also a cancan line, the tango, flamenco, and pole dancing) and too much dancing will make him throw up on Akainu._

_-Random, inexplicable fires in parts of the mall, caused by Sturluson Kida (Luna Pirates)._

_-Cat statue in the middle of mall is destroyed, caused by Capricorn Pirates._

_-Second floor to Bloomingdale's has been filled with a sleeping gas and a good portion of the mall has been blown up, caused by Atlas Piper (Luna Pirates)._

_-Fair portion of Target has been taken out, caused by Dracule Mihawk (Warlord) and Roronoa Zoro (Straw Hat Pirates)._

Paulie resisted the urge to face palm. Not even half way through the list, and he was already getting a migraine.

"Tessa, put Iceberg on the line," Paulie started. "We have a lot of repairing to do."

* * *

_Black Friday 2014 (Now)_

Everybody crowded around the mall waiting for the doors to swing open, only to find a rather thick pile of paper stapled to the door.

"What the fuck is this?" Nyx asked, grabbing the paper she began to read out loud.

_List of People Banned from the Mall:_

_Pirates:_

_Monkey D. Luffy from the Straw Hats(letting animals free from PetCo)_

_Roronoa Zoro from the Straw Hats(destroyed Target from a sword fight against Mihawk)_

_Chopper from the Straw Hats (ran cement truck into Blockbuster's)_

_Nico Robin from the Straw Hats (destroyed first floor of Barnes and Noble)_

_Kazuma Miyafuji and Hatori Chidori from the Capricorns (destruction of the Cat Statue)_

_Aki Cheung-Feng from the Capricorns (started a riot in the Chanel store) _

_Yuki-Rin from the Capricorns (turned Victoria's Secret into a brothel)_

_Nyx Penderghast from the Lunas (destruction of Macy's Furniture Store)_

_Lea Mason from the Lunas (destruction of H&M store and severely wounded Marines with a pencil sharpener)_

_Aeris Rockbell from the Lunas (stole a Maserati from the raffle giveaway and proceeded to drive through the mall's entrance, destroying the doors)_

_Levi and Cloud Greybeck from the Lunas (destroyed the fountain by dumping crates of Teavana tea from the third story)_

_Klaus Gunstone from the Lunas (destroyed the Starbuck's shop)_

_Piper Atlas from the Lunas (gassed the second floor of Bloomingdale's and blew up north side of the mall)_

_Hermes from the Lunas (was seen destroying the Christmas tree in the lobby and putting up a statue of his god instead)_

_Kiba Sato from the Lunas (dumped Petco fishes into mall's fountains)_

_Asami Nara from the Lunas (turned Forever 21 into a casino and left a trail of naked bodies stripped of cash)_

_Harlow Trancy from the Lunas (took over the food court and began to serve human flesh (?) as entrees)_

_Eustass Kid from the Kids (caused weapons to fly everywhere and kill some innocent bystanders)_

_Jewelry Bonney from the Bonneys (collected the corpses from the Apple Store for Harlow to make more human food)_

_Bartolomeo from the Bartolomeos (destroyed third floor of the mall)_

_Isabella Sarutobi from the Virgos (read Akainu's diary over the PA and started a riot)_

_Desdemona Sheffield from the Virgos (stabbed a man over a science kit)_

_Blackbeard from the Blackbeards (held Disco at gunpoint for being a "cheap, creepy 70s Gandalf" instead of Santa Claus)_

_Ben Beckman from the Red Hair Pirates (started a riot against Monkey D. Dragon in Brookstone over a massage chair)_

_Rina Daneryen (Lunas) and Portgas D. Ace (Whitebeards) (fought each other over battle armor only to end up burning the whole armor store)_

_Big Mom from the Big Moms (held See's Candy hostage)_

_Urouge from the Fallen Monks (caused an overall scene, thinking the mall was an actual cat)_

_Whitebeard from the Whitebeards (chased Ace around the mall, destroying many of it's stores, because Ace filled his oxygen tank with helium)_

_Gecko Moria (former Warlord) (was drunk and tried to start a conga line, can-can line, the tango, flamenco, and pole dancing, too much dancing caused him to throw up on Akainu)_

_Others:_

_Absalom (subjected random strip searches in Victoria's Secret)_

_Rob Lucci from Cp9 (caused a riot in Target over an Applejack plushie)_

_Dr. Kureha (passed out laughing shrooms and cacti juice)_

_Nico Olvia (strangled Aokiji for trying to take the last Ray-Ban aviator sunglasses)_

_Kokoro (passed out drunk in the fountain and also went number 1 in the fountain)_

_Wiper (drove a motorcycle into the Michael Kors store)_

_Caimie (bitch slapped a Celestial Dragon with her tail after they tried to steal her Sanrio haul)_

_Eneru (tased a worker from Gap)_

_Dr. Hogback (tried to hold Disney Store hostage)_

_Spandam (caused Garp to start a riot by eating Garp's pineapple wife)_

_Bon Clay (got into a fist fight over Juicy Couture sweatpants)_

_Conis (pulled a bazooka on Cavendish for the last Doc Martens, she ended up blasting a crater sized hole in the mall)_

_Marines:_

_Monkey D. Garp (tried to marry a pineapple. Note to self: Don't let him drink next time)_

_Kizaru (legalized Garp's marriage to the pineapple. Smoker says "Just what the fuck were you thinkin?!)_

_Akainu (flooded part of the mall in lava)_

_Hina (got into a fist fight over Juicy Couture sweatpants)_

_Revolutionary Army:_

_Monkey D. Dragon (started a riot in Brookstone by fighting Ben Beckman, over a massage chair)_

_Sabo (stole the first floor toilet paper and teepeed Zara)_

_Ivankov (burnt down Aeropostale)_

As the last person from the list was read off, everybody could only stare at each other in disbelief.

Nyx, shrugging, ripped the list in half. "Well, I'm gonna go ahead and get a head start. See you bitches later." With that, the pirate teleported inside the store.

A second later, the doors busted open flew three yards into the mall.

Paulie could feel his eyebrows twitch in annoyance.

"Aw c'mon dipshits! I just fixed that! Do you know how expensive titanium is?!"

But Paulie's voice was drowned out with the rumbling footsteps of a thousand Pirates, Marines, and other civilians making their entrance.

* * *

The End

* * *

**A/N: Hope you guys have a safe holiday and a safe Black Friday! **


End file.
